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(716) 482 - 0300 - Phone
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f ARJCT'fA imiiMr
*VJ^.
Josiah Allen on the Woman
Question
By
Marietta HoUey
Jos/aA Allen on the Woman
^estion
lUvMtrited, i6mo, doth . . net^i.oo.
A new volume from the pen of Miu Holley,
marked by such quaint thoughtfulness and timefv
reflection a« ran through " Samantha." All who
^^il e H *"""'* *° '««' *^"«'". " indeed they
should, for they will have done some hearty
laughing, and have been •• up against " some bits
of stnkmg philosophy delivered with point, vigor,
and chuckling humor. ' » »
Samantha on the Woman
^estion
lUuitratcd, i6mo, cloth . . net^i.oo.
" Thb is the book we have been waiting for.
What Samantha doesn't know, isn't worth know-
"•^r-:*?" ,*•»"* » I'ttle humor on a situation
which IS becoming too intense. We hope it may
have a wide circuUtion in England, for Samantha,
who believes in suffrage, does not believe in
dynamite, gunpowder and mobs."
—Examiner.
Cmas C-- 5: ••""-•
" She made me think that minute of them big rocks when
I was tryir' to plough 'round 'em " (see p. 82)
Josiali A'icii u7\ tlie
Worn ni Ou( ,rion
k
vhcii
H r
i ♦■
"■'W*^-'
C
c |J.
Josiah Allen on the
Woman Question
By
MARIETTA HOLLEY
-/ Saratoga,- « M, Opinion, and ^„y BoUtttW
*u.
ILLUSTRATED.
New York Chicago Toronto
Fleming H. Revell Company
London and Edinburgh
PS
CI
Copyright. 1914. by
FLEMING H. REVELL COMPANY
New York: i$8 Fifth Aveniw
Chicago: 135 North Wabash Ave.
Toronto: 35 Richmond Street, W.
London: 31 Paternoster Square
Edinburgh: 100 Princes Street
lOTSV
Contents
I. In Which I Resolve to Write a
Book
II. In Which Betsy Bobbett Butk In
III. I Talk on Wimmen's Duty to
Marry
• • •
IV. 1 Talk on Man's Protectin' Love
FOR WiMMEN
V. Wherein I Prove Man's Courtesy
Towards Wimmen .
VI. I Talk on Females Infringin'
VII. About Wimmen's Fooush Love
FOR PeTICKULARS
VIII. I Talk on Wimmen's Extrava-
gance . . ,
IX. The Danger From Wimmen's Ex-
aggeration
• • .
X. The Modern Wimmen Condemned
9
25
39
59
74
96
113
>3S
«5i
169
[5]
!
ILLUSTRATIONS
Oppoiite
Page
I. "She Made Me Think That Minute
OF Them 3ig Rocks When I Was
Tryin' to Plough Round 'Em" . . title
II. "And She Looked As If She Would
Sink Down In Her Tracts" ... 42
III. "Till She Gets 'Em All Rousted Up,
AND Just Boy Cote That Man Till
He Has to Keep Hullsome Food" . 120
IV. "JosiAH/' Sez She, "a Hen Don't
Cackle Till She Lays Her Egg" . 138
IN WmOH I BESOLYE TO WRITE A
BOOK
FOR years and years I've been deeply
wownded in my most sacred feelin's
and my reason has been outraged
by my pardner, Samantha's, writin' agin
the righteous cause of man's superiority
to wimmen.
But though my feelin's have been
rasped and almost h'eedin' from the un-
just wownds I've kep' still and let her
go on with other headstrong and blinded
females, and argey and deny man's sole
and indefrangible right to oversee and
order the affairs of the universe, and
specially the weak helpless female sect,
the justice of which, it seems to me, a in-
fant babe might see without spectacles.
I have curbed in my wownded sperit
and my mighty inteleck with almost giant
strength, and never let 'em have free play
[9]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
in public print to dispute and overthrow
them uroneous doctrines.
And my reason for this course has been
twofold. First, as any male Filosifer and
female Researcher knows, that owin' to
her weakness of inteleck and soft nater,
a woman's mind gits ruffled up easy, and
that rufflin' up affects her cookin'. And
under a too severe strain a female has
sometimes forgot to be promp with her
meals, and not notice seemin'ly that her
pies wuz runnin' out, and the cookie jar
gittin' empty. Such things, no matter
how strong a man's inteleck is, has a del-
eterious effeck on his internal system,
which reacts on his branial cranium.
And I've been afraid of the consequences
if I onleashed the lion in me, and an-
swered and crushed her onholy argu-
ments in cold type.
And my second reason wuz that in
spite of her almost blasphemous doctrine
that wimmen are equal to men, I knowed
that under them mistook idees it wuz a
lackage of good horse sense and not inher-
ient depravity that ailed her. I knowed
[lO]
In Which I Resolve to. Write a Book
that if Samantha wuz only willin' to
settle down peacefully in the shelter and
shade of man's powerful strength and
personality, there never wuz a better
woman or a neater, equinomicler house-
keeper on earth than Samantha Smith
Allen, and as a maker of cream biscuit
and apple dumplin's, and a frier and
briler of spring chickens never outdone
and seldom equalled. I've argued in pri-
vate life with her till my jaws ached and
my lungs wheezed with incessant labor.
Have experimented in various ways and
appeared before her daily for years as a
shinin' sample of man's superiority. But
never 1 never have I been able to make
her own up how inferior her sect is to the
more opposite one. But as I say, as long
as I've suflfered, I have never before took
my rightful place in literatoor, never took
the high peak waitin' for me to set down
on, while I hurled the thunderbolts of
convincin' eloquence down upon the fe-
male wimmen squirmin' beneath me.
But I dassent wait a minute longer. I
have got to put a stop to the awful doin's
["]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
goin' on around me. And if my worst
forebodin's are realized, and I've got to
starve it out, I will offer myself a hungry
victim to Duty, and die with my manly
principles enfoldin' my gant form like a
nalo of glory. But mebby I've waited
too long. I tremble to think on't. lort
to made the move sooner.
For things are growio' worse and worse
all the time, female wimmen are risin'
up on every side claimin' to be equal to
men, talkin', preachin', hikin', paradin'
With lyin' banners, vowin' with brazen
impudence that since they bear the
iluancial and legal burdens of citizen-
ship, they ort to be citizens of the U S
and since they bear children they want
to protect 'em in the house and outdoors,
and so on to the end of their windy
arguments. Want to be citizens I how
^n they be? Hain't the eagle a male
bird? And what duz E Pluribus Unum
mean ? Why, we men translated it years
ago-Eminent People Us-Us males.
And every fool knows that wimmen
hain't a people, hain't a citizen and
[I2]
In Which I Resolve to Write a Book
never has been. Jest think on't, weak
wimmen, underlin's, as they've always
been legally and politically considered,
dashin' and hikin' about, bilin' up like
foamin' billers of froth and folly threat-
ening to engulf our noble Ship of State.
I've knowed how a strong minded man
wuz needed to grasp holt of the helium
and try to steer that poor staggerin'
wobblin' wimmen tosted crafk into a
haven of safety, into some place where
men can agin enjoy their Heaven born
rights to rule the world and bo^ round
the female sect, and to turn tht frothy
turbulent feminist tide sweepin' out into
broad paths never meant for it to sweep
in, into the shaller narrer safe channels
it is fitted for. I had decided not to tell
Samantha about my great book aginst
Female Suffrage till it wuz writ and
published and the crash come. But the
very day I begun my immortal work she
wuz cookin' a young duck with dressin',
and the delicious uroma come like in-
cense to my nostrils, and insensibly it
softened my feelin's. And I thought
[13]
Jodah Allen on the Woman Question
mebby I ort to prepare her for what would
be the effect of my book on her sect, and
the world at large. We'd lived togetlier
for years and outside of her uroneous be-
liefs she'd been a kind and agreeable
companion, a fur better cook and house-
keeper than any Aunty Suffragist I ever
see or hearn ca, and had been a help and
comfort to me ; she wuz bakin' a plum
puddm' too, and some Hubbard squash.
And as I inhaled the delicious odors I
felt more and more soft and meller
towards her, most as soft as the squash
And so I broached the subject to her
Sez I, " What do you think, Samantha.
about my great projeck of destroyin'
female suffrage ? What do you think of
my writin' the book ? "
I said the words and paused for a re-
ply. The kitchen wuz clean and cozy, the
cheerful fire blazed; Samantha sot with
smooth hair and serene face in a new
gingham dress and white apron, choppin'
some cabbage and celery for a salad -all
wuz peace and happiness.
As I spoke the fateful words it seemed
[14]
In Which I Resolve to Write a Book
as if old Natep herself wuz listenin' and
peakin' in through the kitchen door to
see what would happen. What would be
the effect on Samanthaf I dreaded, yet
waited for the result Would she over-
whelm me with reproaches and entreaties
to stop and not ruin her sect? Would
she be overcome and swoon away ? And
the appaulin' thought come to me onbid,
if she did who would finish up the dinner ?
As I^ asked the question she paused with
the cL ,pin' knife in her hand and sez :
" Wuen I wuz a girl we had a Debatin'
School, and there wuz one feller that we
always tried to git on the side opposite
to us, his talk and arguments wuz such a
help to us. I hain't no objections to
your writin' the book, Josiah." And then
she resoomed her work with her line-
ment cam as ever. I fdt relieved, but
couldn't see what sot her off to tellin'
that old story at this juncter, and can't
to this day, but set it down to female's
inability to grasp holt of important ques-
tions, and answer 'em in a straightforward
way as males do.
['5]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
J}J""'.'^ "'"'" ^ "^S"" ""y 6'«»t work
of atompm' out Woman's Suffrage that I
muat proo<«d careful; wimmen had
so with their fool arguments, lectures
parades etc.. I must plough though W
and make my way clear every step I took
80 no clackin- arguin' female could rise
up and dispute 'em.
verVl!i'^°"' *" "'""' '■*"«'«« "^'k to the
very begmin', and there in the dim light
holt . .If""'"' '^"y °^ Time to grl
Jrote^ to*' --""'werable argument^ha^
proves to every reasonable mind wimmen's
nferionty and man's greatness. And
then chase 'em back agin through the
centuries up to the present tim!, and
^ei^ corner 'em and break down th^r
fl.msy arguments of equality, and crush
em forever. And make an end to this
male disturbin', world opsettin' In^
back nto history as fur as I've doven I
want to give suitable credit to my chnmb
without no hamperin' female tiesdrawin'
ti6]
In Which I Resolve to Write a Book
on him and holdin' him back, he's had
more time than I have to devote to arioua
study and research on the subject, and
has been a help to me. Not but what I
could have equalled him or gone ahead
on him if I'd been foot-loose. But 8a-
raanthaandthebarnstockwuzonmyback
and fambly cares kep' me down. But
after he mentioned to me certain things
he had studied out, I told him I had
thought of them very things more than
one hundred times, but hadn't had time
to write 'em down.
Why, in the very first beginin' of time,
we find the great fact that smashes female
equality down into the dirt where it
belongs. We find that wimmen wuz
made and manufactured jest because men
wuz kinder lonesome. As Uncle Sime
well sez, " It wuz jest a happen that
wimmen wuz made at all. Adam
happened to feel kinder lonesome alone
on that big farm, and probable needed
wimmen's help. And he happened to
have a extra rib he could spare as well as
not, and so wimmen wuz made out of
[17]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
that spare rib. But/' sez Uncle Sime,
** Adam would have been la well agin off
if Eve hadn't been made, and I should
have told him so if I had been there."
Sez he bitterly, " Men hain't been lone-
some since wimmen wuz made. Oh, no 1
she has kep' her clack goin', and kep'
men's noses down on the grindstun ever
sence."
" Well," sez I, " Simon, it wuz noble in
Adam to be willin' to lose one of his ribs
to make her, for who knows to what hites
men might have riz up if he hadn't parted
with it. If us men have riz up to such a
hite with one rib lackin' who knows how
fur we should have gone up with the hull
on 'em."
" That hain't the pint," sez Uncle Sime.
" The pint is, how dast wimmen feel so
big and claim to be equal to us men,
when they think how, and why, and what
out of they wuz created. Wimmen ort to
feel thankful and grateful to men that she
wuz made at all. How would she felt if
she hadn't been made? I guess she would
feel pretty cheap and not put on so many
[18]
In Which I Resolve to Write a Book
airs, and be hikein' round preachin' to
ber superiors."
In his excitement Uncle Sime had
enunciated that crushin' argument in a
ruther loud tone. We wuz settin' on the
l^ck stoop and Samantha comin' out to
shake the table^jloth must have hearn it.
But instead of actin' humiliated and
crushed by that masterly argument she
looked at us kinder queer over her
specs, folded her tablecloth camly and
said nothin'. ^
And after she went in U )le Sime re-
soomed his unanswerable arguments.
Why, beside Bible proofs I can prove
It m a scientific way. Weigh up a man's
bones in the stillyards and they'll weigh
one hundred pounds more or less, jest the
bones. And now jest think on the pre-
posterous idee of that one little rib bone
a risin up right in the face of science
and reason, and pretendin' to be equal
to the hull carcass. And worse yet
tryin to stomp on him and bring him
down to her level by votin'. Why if
Adam had hearn to me and kep' that 'rib
[19]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
bone where it wuz, jest think what the
world would have escaped, think of the
jealousies, angers, revenges, weariness,
expenses, wars, ruin and bloodshed
caused through the centuries by changin'
that rib bone into & female ! "
I wuz astounded to see how deep Uncle
Sime had doven into the great mysteries
of human existence, not but what I'd
have thought it out myself, if I'd had
time from fambly cares.
But Uncle Sime went on, ** Jest think,
Josiah, of wimmen's wild and turbulent
doin's and the commotions and troubles
and sufferin's wimmen has caused males,
and then think how quiet and peaceable
that rib wuz before it had been meddled
with, and brought into the woman ques-
tion. A layin' there in Adam's dde on-
questionin' and cam. Never startin' up
and argyin' with the liver or diafram,
never sassin' the spinal collar, or dis-
putin' the knee jints, that one small
bone risin' up, and demandin' the rights
tha» justly belong to the hull carcass.
Oh, what lessons to female suffragists can
[20]
I
In Which I Resolve to Write a Book
be drawed from that scientific fact, and
how fur they can be drawed."
As long as I'd knowed Uncle Sime I
never had realized before he wuz such a
deep thinker, and had such a fund of
scientific knowledge to back up his argu-
ments. Of course I had 'em too, all on
'em, layin' dormer inside on me.
Of course it made a tremendous stir in
Jonesville when the startlin' news got
out that I wuz writin' a book agin female
suffrage with the settled intention and
firm determination of puttin' an end to
it forever. It lifted me up to such a tot-
tlin' hite in the estimation of the male
Jonesvillians that it would have gin a
weaker man the Big Head and made 'em
liable to fall off. But such is my strength
of mind that I kep' cool on the outside,
talked in a friendly and patronizin' way
to Samantha and the neighborin' wim-
men, associated with the folks that had
the honor to live round me, and wore
the same hat. The Creation Searchin'
Society of Jonesville called a special
[21]
I I
i
Jodah Allen on the Woman Question
njeetin' to congratulate me and them-
selves on havin' their views on the infe-
riority of wimmen disseminated in my
book through the entire habitable globe.
I knowed my beliefs regardin' wimmen
wuz the same as theirn, for we had often
laid them views out side by side and
compared 'em together. And Uncle Sime
Bentley when I first told him on't shed
tears of joy and sez he :
" At last, at last the men of Jonesville,
the male men, are goin' to be hearn from,
and did justice to." And he grip holt of
my hand in one of hisen, and with the
other he wep' onto his bandanna hand-
kerchief tears of pure joy and thankful-
ness.
Deacon Henzy, Solomon Sypher, Dea-
con Bobbett and a lot of other bretheren
in the meetin' house, talked to me about
the forthcomin' book with a solemn joy
and triump in their linements and told
me to consider and weigh well every
word I writ, up to the very ounce, " For,"
sez they, " the broad onwinkin' eye of
the World is on you and in that eye we
[22]
E
In Which I Resolve to Write a Book
male Jonesvillians have been demeaned
and lowered and looked down on by the
abominable things that wuz writ by "
But I riz up my right hand and arm
in a noble jester of warn, and sez I, " Not
one word agin Samantha, bretheren, not a
word I "
They see the stern wild glare in my
eye, and turned it off by sayin', " Things
have been writ by a female who shall be
nameless, that has had a tendency to
make us male Jonesvillians objects of
contemp. And the uroneous and blasphe-
mous idee has been disseminted in them
writin's that females are equal to males,
and want rights that we know they don't
need or deserve, rights that will bring 'em
to the brink of ruin if not held back by
a manly arm. Now it is in the power of
a male Jonesvillian to lift his sect up on
the hite he's been partially knocked off
of, by them writin's, and put the weaker
inferior sect down into the holler place
where they belong. It is your honor and
your privelige, Josiah Allen, to let the
hull world see how superior to females
[23]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
how noble, how grand is the male man-
hood of Jonesville U. S. A."
It wuz a solemn occasion, but I riz up
to it and told 'em I laid out in my book
to make such a change in public opinion
that it would shake the very pillows of
society, but sez I, "After the shake
and the quake is over, things will settle
down in their proper place agin. And
then as of old, men will take their posi-
tion as master and females their proper
place as the tenderly governed class,
lookin' up agin meekly to male men as
their nateral gardeens and protectors."
ii
i
[24]
II
IN WHICH BETSY BOBBBTT BUTTS IN
OWING to the inclemency of the
inclement weather, and the hard-
ness of the wood ^slippery ellum)
I would had to split for extra fires, I did
the writin' of my great work of destroyin'
Female Suffrage in the common settin'
room. I didn't feel above it. As I told Sa-
mantha, many a immortal work had been
writ in a garret, and even in a prison
(namely by Mr. Keats and Mr. J. Bunyan
and others).
She didn't dispute me, she kop' right
on with her usual housework, bakin', etc.,
and I almost thought the delicious uroma
of her vittles which come in from the
contagious kitchen wuz a inspiration to
me. So dificult it is to tell what tiny
springs feeds the great spoutin' fountain
of genius.
On the mornin' I made this memorable
[25]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
remark jest quoted, I hadn't more'n got
started on my masterly work and wuz
settin' almost drownded in the bottomless
sea of Thought while Samantha wuz
parin' some apples for pies, havin' fetched
her pan into the settin' room, when the
magestic onward and upward flow of my
thought wuz arrested or dammed up, as
you may say figuratively speakin', by the
tall awkward obstacle of a onwelcome
female figger. It wuz Betsy Bobbett
Slimpsey who came in with a red and
green plaid shawl wropped round her
gant form, and a yeller fascinator on her
humbly head.
Fascinator! Who wuz fascinated by
it ? ^ I wuzn't, no indeed I And so light-
nin' quick is my mind to ketch holt of
any argument illustratin' wimmen's
weakness of inteleck to transcribe in my
volume, that I methought instantly how
that one article of Betsy's attire showed
plain the inferiority of her sect that I
wuz tryin' to prove to the world. As I
glanced at it, my eager soul questioned
my active mind, " Did you ever ketch
[26]
In Which Betsy Bobbctt Butts In
a man wearin' anything on his head with
such vain silly names," and my mind
thundered back to my listenin' soul, " No I
no sir I " The strong brain within the
manly head would spurn such a coverin',
and tread it into the dust. A man's fas-
jination consists of sunthin' inside his
skull, his powerful brain, his invincible
will, not in a flimsy woosted affair knit
with a tattin' hook. With what hauty
coldness would a man spurn it, if his
wife tried to put it onto his noble head
to wear to meetin' or to a neighbors.
But to resoom. Betsy passed a few
triflin' onimportant remarks about the
weather, her hens, her husband, etc., but
my keen eye pierced through her outward
demeanor, which she tried to make
nateral, and I see she had a ulterior object
in comin' out so early in the mornin'.
And soon it broke forth in speech, and
she u.tered the bold presumptions request
that I would let her insert some of her
poetry writ before, and after her marriage,
in my great forthcomin' volume.
For a minute I wuz almost stunted and
[27]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
stumped by the brazen impudence of the
idee, that I would let a female have any
part however small in that grand work
proolaimin' and provin' the superiority of
my sect. And havin' a mind so powerful
and many sided it can ar both sides to
once, I methought how onbecomin' it
would be in me and how meachin' to let
females take part in a work designed to
be the ruination of 'em, or that is the
ruination of their claims to be equal to
the sect I wuz nobly representin'. How
could I grant her request without sinkin'
down to the low female level 7
No, I answered her promp in the neg-
ative. But she clung to f*. 3 idee as clost
as she ever clung to the various men she
had paid attention to until her doom wuz
sealed and she had with herculeanium
efforts won Simon to be her pardner.
Sez she pleadin'ly, " Josiah Allen, do
let me insert some of my poetry on
woman's spear in your noble volume. I
feel that my poems deserve immortality,
but they won't never git there if a man
don't help me to lift 'em up."
[28]
In Which Betsy Bobbett Butte In
That idee wuz indeed grateful to me,
it naterally would be to any man, but agin
I answered her coldly in the negative,
Samantha lookin' on, but sayin' nothin'.
Auon Betsy turned to her and sez, " Josiah
Allen's wife, will you not help plead with
him in the name of a strugglin' sister
woman ? "
Samantha kep' on parin' and slicin'
her greenin's but sez coldly, " I hain't
no objections to it. I guess the verses will
correspond pretty well with the rest of
the book."
" Yes, indeed I " sez Betsy eagurly.
" Our two idees about the loftier, superior
sect, and the overpowerin' need of
wimmen to bo protected by 'em, are
perfect twins, you couldn't hardly rec-
onize 'em apart." And agin she sez in a
still more hungry axent :
" Do grant my request, Josiah Allen ;
poetry makes a book so interestin'.
Mebby it hain't necessary, but some like
the tail feathers of a rooster, though they
may not add to the weight of the fowl ;
without 'em he has a bare lonesome look.
[29]
I
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
Poetry may not add to the strength and
matchless power of your arguments, prob-
ably nothin' could; but somehow a book
looks sort o' bare and lonely without
these feathery gushin's of the soul."
Sez I in a cold austere axent, " I have
laid out to enrich the prose pages of my
great work with my own poetry, some as
lovely flowers might appear on the smooth
side of a volcano, softenin' and amelio-
ratin' the comin' roar and rush of the
destroyin' fire and flames, that is to bust
out and burn up Error and mistook idees
in females."
"Oh, what eloquence I what grand
thoughts I " sez Betsy claspin' her yeller
cotton gloves together, and lookin' up to
me in almost worship. " What a inteleck
has been burnin' under that bald head
for years. No wonder it is bald, no hair
could live in such a fiery atmosphere."
As she said this my feelin's softened
towards her and I felt different than I
did feel. I bad never liked Betsy Bob-
bett Slimpsey ; she wuz always too senti-
mental and persistent to suit me. When
[30]
In Which Betsy Bobbett Butts In
I wuz a widow man she paid me a lot of
attention oninvited and onrecipercated.
I r *v'or responded to her ardent over-
too <?. I spuTied her poetry from me.
Aiiii she wu- a alack housekeeper, and
mizuble cook, which always riles men,
and I felt relieved and glad when she
got round Simon Slimpsey and won him
to be her husband. But I do like her
idees on man's supremacy and her
clingin' idees on marriage. Such voy-
lent and persistent efforts in that direc-
tion, by elderly onmarried females are
esteemed worthy of every man's admi-
ration, when directed in another direction
than himself
I own I suffered from them clingin'
idees of hern durin' my widowerhood
till Samantha rendered me immune.
But under all them sufferin's of mine
and my almost hopeless efforts to shy off
from her, and avoid her, yet I felt that
her adorin' love and her warm clingin'
attentions to males wuz eminently be-
comin' to a female if only turned off
from me onto some more willin' man.
[31]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
All these thoughts chased each other
through my brain, but still I kep' the
cool superiority of my sect and sez
coldly :
" I want no female thought to cumber
and weigh down the sails of my skyward
bound volume."
But sez she in a humble pleadin' man-
ner, so becomin' in a female and agree-
able to males, "My poetry all breathes
the weakness and inferiority of my sect,
and the overwhelmin' need we have to
be protected by the nobler uplifteder
sect. And though Simon has been bed-
rid for years and his brain had softened
even when we wuz wed, and he and his
numerous children have been hard for
my emmanuel strength to support and
take care on, yet I found in my union to
a male man a dignity and rest I had
i-3ver known in my more single siate."
Here Betsy sithed hard a few times, for
she wuz indeed weary, she works hard
and fares hard and shows it, but she con-
tinued :
" Is it not possible that in a humble
[32]
In Which Betsy Bobbett Butts In
way my verses may give a tiny puff of
wind, that added to your mighty roarin'
gusts will waft your grand craft upward
and onward on its Heaving sent mission
of elevatin' men up, and helpin' 'em in
this turrible epock of time they're passin'
through. And rebukin' and lowerin' fe-
males down for their boxd doin's, in op-
posin' and badgerin' their natural gard-
eens and protectors, their brazen efforts
to be equal to 'em which is a crime agin
Nater.
"For though as I said, Simon can't
lift his head from the piller, nd his
language to me is awful at times, and ex-
tremely profane, and boot-jacks have
been throwed at me, and teacups and
sassers smashed agin my form, and milk
porridge and catnip tea have deluged me
from them flyin' cups and bowls, yet, as
I said, I felt through all, even when I
wuz bruised and wet as sop, that when
he gin me his name at the altar, he gin
with it a dignity and uplifted feelin',
that nothin' else could give or take
away. And I would fain have them
[33]
Josiah Allen on the Woms^ Question
womanly idees of mine made immortal
by appearin' in your noble volume as a
pattern for bolder on womanly wimmen
to foller."
As Betsy paused I once more waded
out bare legged into the sea of thought.
Thinkses I even a tiny drop of water
helps to make the mighty Ocean, and the
Ocean he never repels the humble drop.
Though a female, Betsy wuz a human
bein' like myself. Wuz it right for me
to deny her the boon of immortality in
the pages of my great work? What
wuz my duty in the matter ?
I rubbed my forward, behind which
my brain wuz revolvin' with lightnin'
speed, with my forefinger, gittin' consid-
erable ink on the outside of my brain
(namely my forward) which Samantha
reminded me of afterwards and finally I
sez :
"I will give this triflin' matter due
consideration, Betsy Slimpsey, and let you
know the result of my cogitations. And
now," sez I, wavin' my hand towards
the outside door in a noble lordly wave,
[34]
t f
In Which Betsy Bobbett Butts In
"Woman depart 1 leave me to mv
thoughts." ^
She went, Samantha accompanyin' her
to the doorstep on which I hearn her
dickerin' with Betsy for some Rhode Is-
land hen's eggs to set, so irresponsive and
oncongenial is a female pardner ofttimes
and onmindfulof the great historical event
happenin' so near her, and the great man
she IS throwed amongst. Alas I how
often IS genius bound down and tram-
meled m its own environment.
When Samantha come in lookin' cheer-
ful, for she could git the eggs on a even
swop for our Brown Leghorns, I asked
her agin about it, for every married man
will testify that you can't depend on
what a pardner will say before other
wimmen on such a occasion. Sez I,
Would you honor Betsy by lettin' her
put some of her verses in my great vol-
ume? Do you think," sez I anxiously,
that It will clog and weigh it down too
much ? "
Sez she, « It may be a good thing to
have some weight hitched to it "
[35]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
I didn't really know what she
meant, but as she immegiately retired
into the buttery to make and roll out
her pie crust, I didn't want to inter-
rupt her, for every man knows that a
woman needs the hull of what little
mind she's got at such a time. Such
apple pies as Samantha makes with
tender flaky crust and delicious interior
are a work of art, and requires ondivided
attention.
So I wuz thro wed back onto my own
resources and judgment, and didn't try
to argy no more. Duty and pity for her
and her sect conquerored in the end, and
the next day I gin my consent and Betsy
sent down by one of her various step-
children a bran sack full of her poetry,
which I emptied for convenience into a
huge dish pan which wuz exempt from
work by age.
How tickled and full of triump Betsy
wuz, and it wuz enough to tickle any fe-
male to have her poetry appear in the
pages of my gigantic effort. The fol-
lerin' verses of hern writ before her mar-
[36]
In Which Betsy Bobbett Butts In
riage I culled at random from the dish pan
and subjoin ;
WIMMEN'S 8PBAR
Or Whisperin'8 of Nature to BeUy Bobbett
Last night as I meandered out
To meditate apart,
Secluded in my parasol,
Deep subjects shook my heart.
The earth, the skies, the prattling brooks
All thundered in my ear
It is matrimony, it is matrimony.
That is a woman's spear.
Day, with a red shirred bunnet on
Had down for China started,
Its yellow ribbons fluttered o'er
Her head as she departed
She seemed to wink her eyes on me
As she did disappear
And say it is mp,trimony, Betsy
That is a womua's spear.
A rustic had broke down his team,
I mused almost in tears,
How can a yoke be borne along
By half a pair of steers t
Even thus in wrath did Nature speak
Hear, Betsy Bobbett, hear ;
It is matrimony, it is matrimony,
That is a woman's spear.
[37]
Mi!
■ :n
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
I saw a pair of roaes
Like wedded pardners grow,
Sharp thorus did pave Uieir mortal path,
Yet sweetly did they blow.
They seemed to blow these glorious words
luto my willing ear,
It is matrimony, it is matrimony
That is a woman's spear.
Two gentle sheep upon the hills.
How sweet the twain did run.
As I meandered gently on
And sot down on a stun ;
They seemed to murmur sheepishly
Oh Betsy Bobbett, dear —
It is matrimony, it is matrimony,
That is a woman's spear.
Sweet wuz the honeysuckle's breath
Upon the ambient air.
Sweet wuz the tender coo of doves.
Yet sweeter husbands are ;
All Nature's voices poured these words
Into my willing ear,
B. Bobbett, it is matrimony,
That is a woman's spear.
I A
i-
[38]
t.
Ill
I TALK ON WIMMEN'S DUTY TO MABBY
CEPHAS SLINKER stopped yester-
day mornin' and had a little talk
with me over the barnyard fence.
I pitied Cephas ; he don't live happy with
his wife, she's hard on him, and they
have frequent spells. They had one last
night, and he got up and started for
Jonesville quick as he'd had his break-
fast. He said he never stopped to git a
stick of wood or a pail of water (they
bring their water from a spring under
the hill) but he hurried away he said for
fear she'd begin on him agin, and aggra-
vate him. He wanted sympathy, and I
see he needed it, so he told me about it.
He's been out of a job for some time,
and his wife has took in washin' and
worked round for the neighbors to keep
'em goin'.
He said he wuz to Jonesville all dav
[39]
m
If J
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
yesterday lookin' for a job. He said he
thought the best way to find one wuz to
set right still in some place where men
wuz comin' and goin' all the time, so
they could see hm handy if they wanted
to hire him. But he said he never got a
job, or no hopes of one, and he went
home completely discouraged and de-
prested, and he said that if he ever felt
the need of tender words from a com-
fortin' companion it wuz then ; he said
he felt so bad that he went in and busted
these words right out to his wife, " I want
to be soothed and comforted."
And if you'll believe it she told him,
"if he wanted to be soothed to soothe
himself." Jest so hash and onfeelin' she
spoke. He said she wuz splittin' kindlin'
wood at the time to git supper, and she
struck at that wood as if she would bring
the woodhouse down. And I guess from
his .tell that he gin it to her hot and
heavy. But 'tennyrate she refused out-
right to soothe and comfort him, and if
that hain't a wife's duty what is ? It has
always been called so, as I told Samantha.
[40]
I
I Talk on Wimmcn's Duty to Marry
She asked what Cephas and I wuz talkin'
so long about, and I had to tell her.
And she said she see Miss Slinker go
home from Deacon Gowdey's where she'd
done a two weeks washin'. She wuz
pushin' the baby carriage in front of her
with her twins in it, and a bag of pota-
toes, and little Cephas draggin' at her
skirts and cryin' to be carried, and she
looiced as if she would sink down in her
tracts. And it seemed, sez Samantha, " as
tired as she wuz she had to split wood to
git supper. And how could she soothe
and comfort anybody droudgin' round as
she had all day and all wore out ? Under
the circumstances it wuzn't reasonable in
Cephas to ask it."
That's jest the way on't, wimmen will
argy and argy and try to have the last
word. I wouldn't say no more for I
knowed it wuz no use. But I must say
that when Samantha has the time she's
always ready to soothe and comfort me if
I'm in trouble. She sez it is a woman's
nater to want to help and comfort the
man she loves, but he ort to be reasonable
[41]
I
•"•gain- with her so Tkl-7 ^"^^
erJt w« it ""' "'°"«''' °^ ''ritin' this
&«u„ •" °°"' "^ '<"" """> the
■18 aazzim beams onto JonesviUo anH
the surroundin' world, there wl Trl
nouse. One fundamental trufh t i„m
tZf"'*7'°'>'6''-^-tl'E
S;rp u"":!:;' ^-"^^-p^henst"
marv ?^ . ' "** "* «"' »»d pri-
mary importance. And that wuz th.t
w.mmen should not try to havl Ri I.
but at all hazards and under an o?r^'
stances not fail to marry a If S """
onHiw T 1 -J "^arry a man, and sec-
thtrrrcrrtvr'-
rs^---"-ss^ed7n'd^
For truly these two great truths are
[42]
■ And she lo..ked as if she would sink do^vn in her tracts
I Talk on Wimmen's Duty to Marry
what we male men have oonsidered
the very ground work and underpinnin
of our strongest and most unanswerable
arguments agin Wimmen's Suffrage, Mar-
riage—Home—Clean Children— House-
work— Good Vittles — oh, how sweet them
words have always sounded in men's ears
and are still a soundin', and how emi-
nently fitted to wimmen's weak tender
minds and patient confidin' naters. And
how obnoxious and loathsome to every
male ear have been and are now, the
words Justice — Freedom — Equality.
Oh, how continuously and loudly have
my male bretheren, we and us, twanged
upon them two strings on life's lyre, and
tried to make females jine in the melogi-
ous song, tried to make 'em comprehend
the beauty and full meanin' on 'em.
And right here before I go any furder
mebby I ort to stop and make it plain to
the modern female who is always tryin'
to pick flaws and argy, that I said 1-y-r-e
and not liar, which they might out of
clear aggravation try to make out I meant
when I made the hullsale insertion that
[43]
i
1
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
marriage is woman's duty, and a perfect
heaven on earth, and woman's suffragin' is
ruination and come straight from Hadees.
I had writ a hull chapter full of the
most beautiful and high flown eloquence
on this most congenial subject, and proved
I thought to every right minded person
that it wuz the duty and delightful priv-
elige of every female to stop immegiately
seekin' for Rights, and marry to a man
to once. It wuz a lovely chapter, and
very aflfectin' in spots, so much so I shed
several tears over it, as I told Samantha,
when she glanced over it at my request.
I longed for her appreciation of my genius,
if she didn't share my idees, but she only
made this remark :
"No wonder you shed tears I it is
enough to make a graven image weep."
She didn't explain what she meant by
this remark. But I most knew by the
looks on her linement that she wuz
makin' light on't. But I wuzn't goin' to
pay no attention to slurs comin* from
them that want Rights. Her remark
only goaded me on to amplify on the
[44]
I Talk onWimmen's Duty to Marry
beautiful subject, and I had spent I pre-
soom to say most a teaspunful of ink, and
pretty nigh half a pad of paper, besides a
soul full of emotion on it, when my dear
friend and Literary Adviser, Uncle Sime
Bentley come in, and Samantha bein'
then out in the buttery makin' sugar
cookies and spice cake, I had a clear field
and read the chapter over to him, longin'
for sympathy and admiration, and feelin'
sure I'd tapped the right tree to git the
sweet sap of true understandin' and ap-
preciation flow out and heal my wownded
sperit, when to my great surprise (and it
wouldn't been any more shock to me if
I'd tapped a butnut tree and see it run
blue ink) Uncle Sime jined in with Sa-
mantha's idees, and objected to my hull-
sale insertion that it wuz the bounden
duty of every human bein* to marry.
As I read it over to him, expectin' to
be interrupted by a warm hand grasp of
sympathy and lovin' praise of my idees,
I see a dark shadder pass over his line-
ment and he wiggled round oneasy in bis
chair and finally he said :
[45]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
" That won't do, Josiah 1 You've got to
change that or you'll git lots of the Jones-
villians down on you," sez he. " There
are a good many bacheldors round here,
and their feelin's will feel hurt."
Sez I in a sombry dissapinted axent,
" I guess I can handle the subject so's not
to hurt their feelin's."
"Id'no," sez he, "lots on 'em might
have married if they'd wanted to, and
there are three or four grass widowers, too,
or mebby I should say hay widowers, for
they're pretty old for grass." And Simon
continued feelin'ly :
" This book of yourn, Josiah, is as
dear to me as if it sprung like a sharp
simeter from my own brain, and I can't
bear to see you make any statement in it
that will be called a slur on our sect."
Strange as it wuz I hadn't thought on
that side of the subject till Simon pinted
it out to me, my barn chores and fambly
cares are so wearin' on me that it had
slipped my mind, though probable I
should thought on't of my own accord
when I had time. But I see the minute
[46]
I Talk on Wimmcn's Duty to Many
my attention wuz drawed to it that I
must meller the chapter down for the
good of my own sect. And after Simon
went home (he had come to borry a
auger) I meditated on the other side, what
you might call the offside of the argument
and I see different from what I had seen.
And I brung up convincin' incidents and
let 'em run through my mind.
Firstly, I see I wuz hittin' my dear
friend Simon, hittin' him hard, for he
wuz a bacheldor, though he thought too
much on me to mention his own wownded
feelin's. But when I realized what I had
done it fairly stunted me, for it wuz like
kickin' my own shins with a hard cow-
hide boot to hit Simon. And I see that
take it with all the grass and hay
widowers, and what yo. Tiight call plain
bacheldors, there wuz a good many male
Jonesvillians who would had reason to
feel riled up, and I wuzn't one to cast no
slurs onto my own sect.
Id'no why a number of them bach-
eldors hadn't married, for they wuz well
off and might have married if they'd
[47]
I
Ui\
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
wanted to. I guess it wuzjest because they
didn't feel like it. And my mind is so
strong and keen I see immegiately how
that would spile my argument that
females must turn their backs on Rights,
and marry at all hazards and under all
circumstances. For it stands to reason
that a woman can't marry if a man is not
forthcomin', and hadn't ort to be blamed
for it. And I could see every time a man
hung back it left a female in the lurch.
I see I must wiggle out on't the best I
could for I'll be hanged when it come
down to brass tacks and I figgered it out,
I dassent print a word of what I'd writ;
as beautious and eloquent as it wuz I had
got to drop it onwillin'ly into the waist
basket. For I see that besides a lackage
of men caused by hangin' back which
wuz of itself a overwhelmin' argument, I
see how lots of the females wuz situated
that had turned their backson matrimony
Susan Jane Adsit stayed to home to take
care of her old father, and by the time he
died she'd got off the notion of marryin'.
Huldah Pendergrast wuz humbly as
[48]
I Talk on Wimmcn*8 Duty to Marry
the old Harry, and Samantha sez that a
man always puts a pretty face before
reason or religion, 'tennyrate no man had
ever asked her to marry I knowed, so
how could she help her single state.
Amelia Burpee wuz left a orphan with
five younger children that she promised
her dyin' ma to take care on, and when
she got them all rared up and settled
down in life, she wuz too tuckered out to
think of matrimony.
And Serepta Corkins wuz a born man
hater, would git over the fence ruther
than meet one in the road. She didn't
want a man, and Heaven knows a man
didn't want her.
Luella Pitkin's bo died durin' engage-
ment, and she never wanted to look at a
man after that. And her sister, Drusilla,
wuz all took up with music, and no man
could ever take the place with her of B
flat, or high Q.
And Abigail Mooney's feller she wuz
engaged to got led off and married another
girl, and Abigail went into a incline and
the doctor had hard work to raise her up
[49]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
li
besides all her own folks did with spignut
and wild cherry bark and other strength-
enin' and soothin' herbs.
And Almina Hagadone's feller left
her because she fell and broke her hip
durin' engagement. And Id'no but it
wuz for the best, for how could she bring
up a fambly with only one hip.
And so it went on, the hull train of
single wimmen swep' through my brain,
follered by a crowd of widders, grass,
and hay, and sod. And as I mentally
stared at 'em I see what I'd done on
insistin' that they should every one on
'em marry a man and stay to home, when
they hadn't no man and no home to stay
in. Why, I wuz fairly browbeat and
stumped to see what a ticklish place I
would stood in with the Jonesvillians, if
I had writ my chapter as I laid out to, that
wimmen mitst marry and must not vote.
I see I had got to turn round and take
a new tact. But it wuz like tearin' a
bulldog from a good shank bone to up-
root a man from that inborn belief. And
I thought it over pro and con, con and
[5c]
I Talk on Wimmen's Duty to Marry
pro, till my head got fairly dizzy and in
one of the dizziest spells this thought
come to me that mebby Simon's bein' a
bacheldor had hampered him and colored
his advice, and thiukses I before I lay
down in the dust my old beloved belief
for good and all, it won't do any hurt
to jest mention the subject casually to
Samantha agin, which I did.
I sez in a meachiner axent than I gin-
erally use, for I felt fur more meachin'
than I had felt, sez I, " Samantha, wim-
men ort to marry instead of votin'."
And she sez, " Why can't they do both?
Men marry and vote."
" But," sez I, recoverin' with a hercu-
laneum effort a little of my usual feelin'
of male superiority, " that is very differ-
ent, Samantha. Men have bigger, roomier
minds, wimmen and politics can sort o'
run side by side through 'em without
crowdin' each other. But female minds
bein' more narrer and contracted they
naterally can't, and hadn't ort to try to
hold more'n one on 'em.
" But," sez I with a last effort to put
[51]
Jonah Allen on the Woman Question
forth the beautious arguments that my
sect has clung to for ages, I sez in a deep
protectin' axent, " marriage is the holiest,
the most beautifulest state on this earth."
"Yes/' sez Samantha reasonably, "a
happy marriage is, I guess, about as nigh
Heaven as folks ever git on earth, but
how many do you find, Josiah ? "
"Oceans on 'em," sez I, "oceans on
'em," for I wuzn't goin' to spile my argu-
ment entirely till I had to.
"Yes," sez Samantha, "there is once
in a while one that looks so from the
outside, and mebby it looks so from the
inside. But," sez she, "the hands of
divorce lawyers are pretty busy nowa-
days. Marriage," sez Samantha, "is a
divine institution, but its beauty has
been dimmed by the rust of unjust and
foolish idees and practices. Always
when time honored customs change from
the old to the new, from bad to better,
there is a period of upheaval and unrest,
until the new becomes natural and com-
mon.
" Wimmen," sez Samantha, " are be-
[52]
I Talk on Wimmen's Duty to Marry
ginin' to look upon marriage differently
than they used to. They look now on
both sides of the question. Instead of
settin' with folded hands in a shadowy
bower, waitin' and listenin' for the pran-
cin' steed that is to bring the Prince to
her feet to ask for her lily white hand,
which she gives him with grateful, rap-
turous tears of joy, wimmen are now
standin' up on their feet in broad day-
light, lookin' on every side of the mar-
riage question and lettin' the full light
of day shine on it, the same light they've
got to live under after the hazy days of
the honeymoon are over."
Them forward practical idees of hern
riled me, and I sez, " I guess men have
sunthin' to complain on in the marriage
question."
" Yes indeed they have," sez Samantha
(with a justice no doubt ketched from
me). " Lots of silly simperin' girls look
upon marriage as a means to be supported
without labor, an unlimited carnival of
picture shows, circuses and candy. But
in the good times comin' when men have
[53]
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Joriah Allen on the Woman Question
learned not to look exclusively for a
pretty face and kittenish ways, and seek
the sterling qualities of common sense,
thrift, and industry, qualities that will
keep the domestic hearth bright when
the honeymoon has waned, girls will
begin to prize and practice these traits
which men find admirable.
" And another thing, Josiah, thought-
ful inteligent wimmen are getting so
they don't admire the crop of wild oats
that used to be considered inevitable, and
in a way dashing and admirable. Instead
of blindly accepting what the Prince
danes to bestow upon her and asking
nothing in return, she demands the same
things of him he asks of her, the same
purity he demands of her, and why not
the same moral and legal rights, since
they are both human bein's, made as all
mortals are of God and clay ? "
I gin a deep groan here, showin' plain
how distasteful them forward onwomanly
idees wuz to me. But she went right on
onheedin' my sithes, or the dark frown
gatherin' on my eyebrows.
[54]
I i
I Talk on Wimmen's Duty to Marry
Sez she, ** So many avenu " pleasant
lucrative employment are open now to
wimmen, and the epithet, Old Maid, is
not as of old a badge of contumely, that
wimmen won't take a ticket for the lot-
tery of marriage, for but one reason, the
only reason that ever made marriage
honorable and respectable, and that is
true love, not a light mental fancy, nor a
short lived physical attraction, but the
love that in spite of earthly shadows illu-
minates hovel and palace, and makes
both on 'em the ante-room of Paradise.
The love that upholds, inspires, over-
looks faults, is constant in sun and
shade, and lasts down to the dark valley,
and throws its light acrost it into the very
Land of Light."
Them words sounded good to me, they
sounded some like what I had writ more
formerly on the subject, and I jined in
fervently. " Yes, indeed, and why can't
females settle down in matrimony and
stay to home with their famblys, and take
care of their children ? " and I quoted
a few words from the dear chapter I had
[5^1
I!
m
EiiJ
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
writ first. " There woman is a queen,
the poorest female in the slummiest slum
18 a monark in that sacred place."
"Yes/' sez Samantha, "sometimes a
good man makes a wife supremely happy.
But too often nowdays a bright healthy
young woman finds in the life she has
pictured as the dooryard of Eden a
worse serpent than Eve found there, a
loathsome souvenir of her husband's old
gay life which destroys her own health
and happiness, and which she has to
hand down to her children's children
makin' 'em invalids and idiots.
" The poor workin' mother you speak
on if she is well enough can stay at home if
she has a home to stay in, and doesn't
have to labor outside to sustain it. She
can breathe the filthy tenement air, be
frozen by its winter, choked by its sum-
mer atmosphere, she can guide and guard
the youthful steps of her children as far
a^ the doorstep and then she must drop
the helpless hand, and if she is inteligent
and loving hearted she can wet her pillow
with vain tears thinking how her pretty
[56]
I Talk on Wimmen's Duty to Marry
innocent young girl has got to pass vile
saloons full of evil men on her way to
and from store and factory. The factory
filled with gant childish forms, with all
the care-free happiness of childhood
ground from their faces by the brutal
hand of Incessant Toil. Unguarded
machinery on every side that one false
careless move of her girl may maim or
kill. Her pretty girl alone strugglin'
with ontold dangers. Youth's wild blood
•^ging her to indiscreet acts, Wolves of
1 rey on one side, Grim Want on the
other. If the mother has a mother's
heart, her body may be at home where
she is so eloquently urged to be, but her
heart will be abroad, in the greater home
wimmen want to make safer ; the home
where her children spend their days. It
will be hantin' the factory, the grog shop,
the vile picture show, the white slaver's
abode, watchin', waitin', for what may
happen, what has happened so often to
other mothers' children."
Samantha goes too fur when she gits
to goin', and I told her so plain and
[57]
lii
i
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
square, she aggravates me. And to let
her see how much I disapproved of her
talk I never dained a reply to her in
verbal words. But I riz up with a hauty
mean on my eyebrow, and went to
pokin' the kitchen fire. I poked it with
all the strength of a strong man whose
arguments have been spilte and whose
feehn's have been wownded by his own
pardner.
But I believe my soul that she thought
that I did it as a hint that it wuz about
dmner time, for she went out to once
and hung on the teakettle. And as she
did so she mentioned incidentally that
she laid out to have lamb chops and
green peas and mashed potatoes for
dmner, with peach pie and coffee to
foller. As she said this my angry emo-
tions settled down and grew more clear
and composed, some like Samantha's de-
licious coffee, when she drops the pow-
dered eggshells into it.
i
[58]
IV
I TALK ON MAN'S PEOTECTIN' LOVE
FOBWIMMEN
IT wuz a beautiful morniu'. I felt
boyed up by the invigoration of the
invigoratin' atmosphere, the boyness
helped along mebby by three cups of
Samantha's delicious coffee with rich
cream in it, three veal cutlets brown and
tender, four hot rolls light as day, several
flaky baked potatoes and soma biled eggs.
I felt well and I devoted my muse on
this auspicious occasion to writin' spe-
cially on the protectin' love and care that
men had always shown and delighted to
show to females. It wuz a subject that
I loved and my mind and tongue had
often reverted to, foUerin' the example
of all thp other good and great statesmen
who have talked and writ on the femi-
nist question. And I felt that I wuz
abundantly qualified to do justice to it,
[59]
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t.;e m i
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
havin' protected Samantha and lovin'ly
guarded hor weak footsteps for goin' on
forty years.
I set with my steeled pen in hand and
got so lost and wropped up in contem-
plation of the beautiful and inspirin'
subject, and plannin' how I would
handle it to the best advantage, that time
passed onheeded and first I knowed I
hearn by the sound of dishes rattlin' in
the near and adjacent kitchen that Sa-
mantha wuz beginin' to make prepara-
tions for dinner.
The kitchen as I said wuz contagious
to the settin' room and the door wuz
open. I had laid out and intended to
begin the chapter on this important and
most congenial subject with some strong
stern language calculated to shame wim-
men for the unbelievin' remarks they
had made on this beautiful and universal
trait of my sect, and their seemin' tee-
totle inability to appreciate the constant
onvaryin' and lovin' protection that men
had always gin to the weaker and more
mferior sect.
[60]
11 il
I Talk on Man's Protectin' Love
I reniembered well how in a former talk
with Samantha on this subject, though
she had admitted willin'ly enough that
there wuz lots of good generous men
runnin' loose in the world. Yet she tried
to dispute my insertion that all men al-
ways cared for and tenderly protected
wimmen, by bringin' up instances where
she claimed men had balked and kicked
over the traces, and instead of protcctin'
wimmen had run 'em away into ruina-
tion and destruction.
She brung up White Slavery, political,
social and industrial dependence, and the
average man's inherient objection to re-
gard wimmen as a citizen and plain
human bein', bein' inclined to regard 'em
either as angels or underlin's. And a lot
of other trashy arguments calculated to
rile a man up, yes mad a man to the very
quick, who knowed what he wuz talkin'
about. One who had spent the heft of
his life in protectin' and guidin' her that
now turned agin him and disputed him.
A man who knowed as well as he knowed
the looks of his linement in the shavin'
[61 ]
Jodah Allen on the Woman Question
glass, that man's protectin' love and care
wuz all that had held wimmen up, and
wuz still a proppin' her.
I spoze in my righteous indignation I
may have said kinder hash things about
the low down ornary traits of the inferior
sect to-which Samantha belonged, for she
begun to bring up traits that she said some
of my sect had, and throw 'em at me, traits
that I know no man ever had or skursley
ever had hearn on. But I must say that
all the while riled up as she wuz inside
of her, she kep' knittin' away on my
mdigo blue sock, and kep' makin' honor-
able exceptions of good men and smart
men. But she brung up Vanity, said I
and my sect wuz vain. Sez she, " If a
woman tries to talk sense and reason to a
man about her needs and her rights, he
will generally pay her a compliment
about her eyes or her nose. 'Tennyrate
he wil turn the subject some way and
won t listen to her. But if she makes
eyes at him, and talks soft nonsense, and
flatters him, he will purr like a pussy
cat.
[62]
I Talk on Man's Protectin* Love
'Tain't so. Who ever heara a man
pi rr ? Purrin' is sunthin a man's nater
w«>uld rebel at and scorn with perfect
coiitemp. But I smashed that argument
aK;ut vanity to once and forever. Sez I
so scathin'ly that it seemed as if she must
show signs of scorchin', " Did you ever
see a man wear a cosset? Or carry a
vanity bag ? "
And then still a knittin' and still
makin' exceptions of some good and
generous men, she throwed the trait of
selfishness in my face, said my sect had
passed along down the fields of time,
gatherin' up the ripe wheat and leavin'
wimmen to rake up the leavin's.
'Tain't so, and even if it wuz, I pre-
soom to say Ruth got quite a good bun-
dle of grain out of Boazes' wheat field.
And then she took pomposity and
throwed at me (still a knittin', and still
makin' exceptions of some men) said lots
of men stood up on a self-made pedestal
lookin' down mentally on them who in
many cases wuz their superiors, but she
added that wimmen wuz more to blame
[63]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
for this trait in men than they wuz, for
they had been educated to look up to
men instead of lookin' sideways where
they ort to find him on a level at her
It is needless to say to any one who
knows my keenness of inteleck that I
took immegiate advantage of this slip
of her tongue and sez, " I am glad that
you admit, Samantba, that wimmen are
always in the wrong. I and my sect
have always knowed it, and we've always
laid the blame on 'em from Eve down to
Miss Pankhurst."
And that seemed to set her off agin,
and she brung up my blindness. Blind
as a bat I Them wuz her words she
throwed at me, at me I who has got eyes
as keen as a eagle's. That injustice did
rankle and make me hash and say hash
thitigs.
But she kep' cam on the outside, kep'
on with her knittin' and intimidated
agin that though there wuz lots of good
generous men in the world, yet it had
ilways been a trait of the average man
[64J
I Talk on Man's Protcctin* Love
from Solomon to Harry Thaw to look
upon woman as a plaything or a con-
venience. And then she brung up incon-
sistency and how men showed it in the
laws they made, criminal inconsistency ^
she called it. Sez she, " A girl must be
twenty-one when she is considered by
men lawmakers wise enough to sell them
a hen, or buy a cat. But yet at the age
of ten in one state, twelve in another, she
is considered by them wise and prudent
enough to sell them the crowning jewel
of her life with the payment of lifelong
shame, agony, and despair, and mebby a
little candy. Men make such laws," sez
she, " not for their own sweet young girls,
but for some other men's daughters, just
like the infamous White Slave traffic that
sells every year thousands and thousands
of young girls into a livin' death. And
I think," sez she, " when men make such
shameful barbarous laws it is high time
for 'em to have help from angels or
wimmen or sunthin' or ruther."
" That hain't religious, Samantha," sez
I, " to speak of angels makin' laws, tendin'
[65]
I
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Joaiah Allen on the Woman Question
oorkuses and such. As a deacon I object
to it"
Sez she, " As a deacon you better object
to the laws I'm talkin' about, and if
clergymen, deacons and church members
generally, would all rise agin 'em, they'd
be stamped out pretty sudden." Sez she,
" When the young girls of our country
are considered of equal importance with
cows and clover to oversee and protect,
there will be different laws, and I believe
wimmen's votin' will hasten that day."
There is always a time for a man if he
wants to keep his dignity intack before
females, to stop arguin' with 'em. That
time had come tome at that juncture, and
I knowed that it would be more dignified
to show a manly superiority to such hull-
sale calumnity of my sect so I looked
hautily at her, and didn't dain to reply
to her in verbal words though I grated
my teeth some, as I walked out of the
settin' room with head erect into the
kitchen, and brought in a armful of wood
from the contagious woodshed with my
head still held high, and hung on the
[66]
I Talk on Man's Protectin' Love
teaketUe with a hauty mean. For I felt
that Bome of Samantha'a good vittles
would soothe my wownded and perturbed
sperit if anything could and they did
cam me.
I thought of that former interview with
my pardner as I sot there preparin' my
mind for the masterful effort I wuz about
to make.
As I said more formerly I had intended
to begin the chapter at this epock of time
with a few witherin' remarks calculatin'
to rebuke wimmeu and wither 'em. I laid
out to stun 'em and skair 'em with the
artillery of my brilliant eloquence, my
protectin' love for the weaker sect riz up
so powerful, and my anger wuz so hot
agin them that had dasted to deny it.
I felt that they did believe in men's
constant and tender protection, but held
out and denied it jest to be mean, jest to
carry out their sect's well known desire to
argy and aggravate us. And as I meditated
on these things and thought of my former
talk with Samantha I have jest related, I
held my steeled pen in almost a iron grip,
[67]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
h
and my linement I knowed growed fearful
to look upon, charged as it wuz with the
awakened powers of a strong man.
When jest as I wuz beginin' the turrible
rebukin' words Samantha opened the
oven door in the contagious kitchen and
the fragrant breath of a lemon custard pie
floated out, accompanied with the delicious
uroma of a roast chicken with dressin'.
And as on so many former occasions,
the delicious odor seemed to enter into
and permenhte my hull mental and phys-
ical system and soften 'em and quiet my
wild and dangerous emotions, I felt
mellerer towards her and her sect, and I
held my steeled pen in a gentler, softer
grip. And instead of the thunderbolt of
convincin' argument I had even begun
to transcribe, I sez to Samantha, who bad
come in with a pan of potatoes to peel,
and my voice wuz as sweet as the lemon
custard.
" You do know, don't you, dear Saman-
tha, that it has always been men's chief
aim and desire to protect the weaker
inferior sect ? " sez I tenderly. " Any man
[68]
I Talk on Man's Protcctin* Love
that has the eperit of manhood within
him will agree with me." Agin I inhaled
into my nostrils the sweet uroma oomin'
from the contagious kitchen, and sez I
in a still tenderer xent, " Men love to
protect wimmen, jFi'tyon think so?"
Sez Samantbu in .i cau? ea-' nable voice
peelin' away i ier j^cUtut "A man
loves to pr(»i;^ : ur-a w; mi a v, ; man agin
every man onJ;/ i.:m '^i;." Sez she,
''Amanda rceuic : wnL prote«'ted hymen
and warned."
And I sez kind - hortj my tenderer
emotions driv back into myself, " What
of it, what if she wuz I "
And then she had to go on and recall
to my mind that triflin' incident that had
occurred and took place in Jonesville the
fall before.
Sez she, "You remember, Jo8iah,old
man Peedick who wuz rich as a Jew, left
all his money to his boys, a ha'^ dsome
propputy to each one on 'em, and . tmina
who had stayed to home and took care on
him, and lifted him, and rubbed him,
and soaked him, and swet him, and
[69]
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
dressed and fed him, he onJy left the
house and apple orchard.
" The boys all had splendid homes in
the city, but their houses wuz either too
big or too small, or too hot or too cold, to
have Almina live with 'em, and she wuz
expected to git her livin' out of the
apples. They wuz first class grafts, none
so good anywhere round, and brought
the very highest price, and she would got
a good livin' and laid up money, if she
had been left alone, if she hadn't been
protected and warned.
" But every single one of them brothers
would come out from the city and warn
her agin the other brothers, and tell
her how easy it wuz for a weak in-
nocent woman to be deceived and
cheated by designin' men, her nearest
relation mebby. And that a gentle
female's mind wuzn't strong enough to
grapple with depravity, and she must
lean on him for protection, and he would
see her through, so every single one on
'em told her, and warned her agin the
other six brothers.
[70]
I Talk on Man's Protectin' Love
" And Amanda would feel real affec-
tionate and grateful to each one on 'em
in turn, and be glad she had such a
strong protector and warner to take
care of her. And every single time
they come to protect and warn her they
would take home a few bushels of them
delicious apples, and when they got
through protectin' and warnin' her, she
didn't have apples enough left to make a
mess of sass."
But what of it, what had that got to do
with my great work that wuz seethin'
through my brain? That shows how
triflin' and how ornary a woman's mind
is, to bring up that old story whilst my
brain wuz workin' to a almost dangerous
degree inside of my forward tryin' to
prove to the female masses at large the
great fact of men's protectin' love and the
needecessity for it, to prove to 'em as I
laid out to prove to the listenin' world
that wimmen wuz naterally inferior to
men, their brains smaller and lighter,
when weighed up in the stillyards. Their
emmanuel strength less, their idees more
[71]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
whifflin' and onstabled, and that there-
fore and accordingly wimmen needed and
had got to have man's masterful mind
and emmanuel strength to protect her
from the evils and wickedness of the
world, and specially from the awful
tuckerin' and dangerous job of votin'.
At this juncter I paused for a minute
to collect my thoughts together and then
I brought forth from my brain this con-
vincin' argument.
If wimmen don't need a man to protect
her and take care on her, why is she so
much more ignorant of sin and depravity ?
Why is there five times more men in
prisons and penitentiaries than there is
wimmen, if they knowed as much about
crime as men do ?
" No," sez I, soarin' up in eloquence,
" what a man has been through and been
educated up to in business and political
life, he knows how to protect tender
females from. Why," sez I, fairly carried
away on the wings of my own eloquence,
"men can teach wimmen more in one
day about criminal wickedness, graft,
[72]
I Talk on Man's Protectin' Love
false witnessing, drunkenness, bribery,
political corruption of all kinds, than she
can learn from her own sect in months.
Not but what," sez I reasonably, "she
can learn some from some on 'em, but not
nigh so much nor nigh so fast."
I didn't know but Samantha would
take lumbago from my cuttin' remarks,
but she didn't seem to. She took up her
pan of peeled potates and prepared to
leave the room. But as she went out she
said sunthin' agin about that old Debatin'
School, and the feller she always tried to
git on the other side of the argument, so's
to help her out. Showin' as plain as the
nose on your face jest how queer wimmen
are, how their minds will wander, and
how impossible it is to keep 'em down to
the subject under discussion.
[73 J
^WT^^^im^:
i
WHEREIN I PBOVE MAN'S OOUBTE»Y
TOWABDS WIMMEN
IN my tremenjous eflforts to succor my
sufferin' and women-hounded sect at
this awful epock of time, I have al-
ready held forth on the beautiful and
congenial subject of the love and pro-
tectin' care males have always loved to
show towards females. But agin I take
up my steeled pen to write upon this
most important subject. For I agin warn
my sect solemnly that this beautiful trait
in me and us, is what we should enlarge
upon, and insist on makin' the female
sect admit at this epock of danger and re-
volt.
Yes, my suflferin' sect, we should make
'em own up to it, peacefully if we can,
but if necessary let us insert it into their
obstinate craniums with a crowbar and
hammer. For though a weaker in-
[74]
"W^^^
£-ir^3-fs?s.-riB^B?^ia
Wherein I Prove Man's Courtesy
teleck may not grasp its importance and
extreme needecessity, it is plain to the
eagle eye of a Researcher and Reformer
of females that if they admit this, they
have got to admit all that follers, the
perfect peace and rest they feel sur-
rounded by these noble traits as by a
shinin' mantilly.
With this worthy end in view I've
tried to warn Samantha time and agin
that if females insisted on risin' up and
demandin' their Rights they would be-
come so obnoxious to the stronger and
opposite sects that men would lose that
tender courtesy they have always loved
to show towards wimmen. But I've
never been able to skair her, and I don't
know as I ever shall. Mebby this Great
Work of mine when it is finished and
lanched onto a waitin' world may dant
her, but, I don't know, I feel dubersome
about it.
Sez she when I brung it up to her agin,
" Men and wimmen are born with differ-
ent traits ; wimmen have love and tender-
ness and sympathy towards the helpless,
[75]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
babies, husbands, etc.; you insist that
votin* hain't changed nor harmed men's
courtesy and chivalry you talk so much
about, so why should votin' break down
these inborn traits in wimmen that men
admire ? "
" But you will see that it will," sez I,
" and methought I had proved it to you
on a former occasion that it is a scientific
fact proved by such scientific men as my-
self, Simon Bentley Esq., and other deep
thinkers, that the very minute a woman
goes to the pole that very minute a man's
courtesy and chivalry towards her is ut-
terly destroyed."
But if you'll believe it even this turri-
ble idee didn't seem to skair her. She sez,
" If I can't have but one I'd ruther have
justice than courtesy, but I'd like both,
and don't see why I can't have 'em."
But I sez agin firmly and decisively,
" You can't have both on 'em, for if a
woman votes, by that brazen and onbe-
comin' move of hern, wimmen lose that
winnin' weakness and appealin' charm
for men, their helplessness before the law
[76]
Wherein I Prove Man's Courtesy
and their clingin' dependence upon them
to take care of them and their propputy
that is so endearin' to my sect. And if
they spile this by their obnoxious act of
votin' they must take the awful conse-
quences."
Sez Samantha, " It has worked well in
other states ; it has helped men, wimmen
and children mentally, socially and le-
gally. If it wuz such a dangerous thing
as you say it is, why have men granted
suffrage to wimmen after it has been tried
for twenty years or more in a neighborin'
state, right in their own dooryard as you
may say? Would they venter if they
hadn't found that it wuz a good thing? "
Sez I hautily, " I am not talkin' about
other states or other countries, or other
males or other females. I am working and
writing in the interests of Jonesville and
its environin' environs. I am tryin' to
ward off with my right hand, and my
steeled pen the waves of error that I see
in my own mind sweepin' down nigher
and nigher onto us."
And I went on with a soarin' eloquence
[77]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
I
enough to melt the heart of a salamander,
" I stand at the Qate of Jonesville as the
boy stood on the burnin' deck when all
but him had flowed, and I will stand
there protectin' that Gate, and us male
Jonesvillians from infringin' and en-
croachin' females till I'm sot fire to."
I waved out my hand in a noble jester
as I spoke, and spozed mebby it would
touch Samantha's heart But she looked
at me over her specs from head to foot in
the cool aggravatin' way wimmen have
sometimes, and I read in her eyes the re-
mark she didn't utter :
" You hain't big enough to make much
of a bonfire."
But I didn't reply to that unuttered
tant, I felt above it, and went on, " I am
not the only man who takes that firm
onchangeable position. England has a
high official who occupies the same noble
poster. He don't heed or care what fe-
males want or don't want, nor what other
statesmen want or don't want. Nor he
don't care what is goin' on in other parts
of the world, or not goin' on. His proud
[78]
Wheran I Prove Man's Courtesy
petition is to shield England from the
enoroachin' army of Female Suffragists.
To do what he's made up his mind to do,
and nothin' can't etop him, not threats,
nor reason, nor argument, nor broken
winders, nor torn coat tails. A good
hard shakin' from a female can't change
him, nor shake his resolve out of him,
nor hunger strikes, nor fleein' wimmen,
nor pursuin' ones. He stands side by side
with me. And even if it brought the
towers of Jonesville and England in ruins
at our four feet we would not then change
our two great minds.
" His bizness is to not look to see what
is done in other places or not done, but
to protect his own Qreen Isle from what
he's made up his mind is dangerous and
infringin'.
"Oh," sez I with a deep heart felt
sithe, " would that we two congenial souls
might meet and sympathize with each
other. But though sea and land divides
our bodies, our sperits meet and flow to-
gether." I wuz almost lost in the rapped
idee of the sweet conference meetin' we
[79]
Joiiah Allen on the Woman Question
two could ei^oy together. But anon I
gin my attention to the subject momen-
tarily broke in upon (for my mind is so
large and roomy it is big enough for sev-
eral trains of thought to run through it
at one time).
And I sez as I remarked prior and
heretofore, " Samantha, that courtesy in
males is a most beautiful trait ; you see it
everywhere, to mill and to meetin', as the
old sayin' is. Now last week when I
wuz to the conference, Uncle Si me and
I wuz in a crowded street car and a dret-
ful fat woman come in, heftier than you
are, Samantha."
" Is it possible 7 " sez she coldly (she
thinks I make light of her heft but I
don't ; it hain't uothin' to make light of,
specially when you lift her in and out
the democrat).
"Yes," sez I, "she wuz even fatter
than you are, and she come in red-faced
and pantin' from the exertion. And a
young chap who had been settin' with
two or three other young fellers carryin'
on and laughin', the very minute she
[80]
Wherein I Prove Man's Courtesy
oome wheoBin' in, he riz up and sez to
her:
" ' I will be one of three men to give
you a seat, madam.'
" You see, Samantha," sez I, " how that
inborn courtesy in males inserted itself
even in a street car."
" Yes, I see," sez Samantha in a still
colder axent, but I could tell by her line-
ment that she wuzn't a mite convinced.
And I went on a praisin' up that noble
trait of my sect, and tryin' to convince
her how universal it wuz, and how tur-
rible it would be for females to lose it.
but she kep' on a knittin' on my blue
sock, and sez in quite a reasonable axent
for a female to use :
" Yes, to see a great hearted noble man
guard and protect a woman is a beau-
tiful sight, but," sez she, "that trait,
though sometimes seen, is not universal."
Sez I, " It is; it is jest as universal as
—as — any universalist ever wuz."
But she kep' right on in the persistent,
irritatin' way wimmen have ; as I've said
prior and before, they can't seem to be
[8i]
MICROCOfY RISOIUTION TEST CHART
(ANSI and ISO TEST CHART No. 2)
la 123
USB ^^^
1b
|Z2
u
i^-°
^ APPLIED IIS/MGE Inc
SS*^ 1653 East Main Street
^S Rochester, New York 14609 USA
'^S (716) 482 - 0300 - Phone
^S (716) 288 - S989 - Fox
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
willin' to give up to man's superior
judgment, they're hound to talk and
argy. And her voice wuz as firm as any
rock in our medder, and if there is any-
thing more firmer and aggravatin' than
them I'd like to see 'em. She made me
think that minute of them big rocks
when I wuz try in' to plough round 'em.
I see I could jest as easy make a furrer
through them as through her sot obsti-
nate old mind as she said agin :
" Men don't always use courtesy towards
wimmen."
As she made that damagin' insertion
agin, is it any wonder that the plough of
my manly judgment struck fire from her
rocky obstinacy? I acted fearful wrathy
and disputed her right up and down.
Sez I, " That is sunthin' that no man
will stand for ; they will not brook bein'
accused of a lack of courtesy towards
wimmen." I acted dretful indignant, for
in this turrible time us men have got to
lay holt of every little nub of argument
and hang onto it like a dog to a bone, or
the Lord only knows what will become
[82]
Wherein I Prove Man s Courtesy
on us, or how low a hole we will be ground
down into by the high heels of females.
Sez Samantha, "I admit there are
beautiful instances of men protectin' and
guardin' wimmen, but how wuz it with
Fez Lanfear? He wuz always boastin'
about men's courtesy and chivalry, and
how did it come out? "
I sot silent and scratched my head for
a minute or so, not as Samantha intimi-
dated to try to dig out a favorable idee,
no, it itched.
And I sez, " Id'no as I blame Fez for
always talkin' about this trait in his sect,
and Id'no as I blame him for what it led
to." He see how necessary it wuz to insist
on men's havin' these traits, and his wife
would argy agin him, and he'd git riled
up. He always had to be real sharp with
her and boss her, for if he hadn't he would
lost the upper hand of her, which every
man ort to have, and she would took the
advantage on him and run on him. For
the propputy all belonged to her and it
made Fez discouraged, and took his am-
bition away, and he couldn't seem to set
[83]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
himself to work, and all the comfort he
had wuz in arguin' on them traits of men
and playin' on the fiddle and hase drum,
80 she rented her place and they lived on
what she got for it.
But knowin' it wuz her ruff that
covered him, and her chairs he sot in,
and her vittles he et, and clothes he wore,
made him irritated and fraxious, and he
knowed he'd got to sass her and act uppish
towards her or he wouldn't be nothin' nor
nobody. And she would act real dis-
agreeable and tell him she'd love to see
some of the courtesy of his sect he talked
so much about showed out by him to
home, and she doubted he had any, and
knowin' that he had oceans of it, for every
man has, it naterally madded him.
And one washin' day they got to ar-
guin' and he brung up them noble traits
of men, and their onvaryin' courtesy and
generosity towards wimmen. And right
in the midst on't she asked him to bring
in two pails of water to finish her washin'
on account of her havin' a lame back.
He wuz practicin' a new piece entitled
[84]
I?
'1
Wherein I Prove Man's Courtesy
" Woman, Lovely Woman," and bein' so
interested in it and bein' broke off so
sadden from melody and men's noble
traits to act as a chore boy (he'd argyed
so much he could argy and fiddle) and a
smartin' I spoze from the dispute they
wuz havin', he wouldn't git her the water
and told her real short to.git it herself.
And as she started with two pails for the
water — they brung it up from the creek
by hand, for Fez had never had time to
make a cistern — she twitted him agin
about that courtesy of men towards
wimmen, and bein' so high strung and
independent sperited, he up and hit her
and knocked her down, and stood over
her a hollerin' :
" Now will you dispute me agin, and
say that men don't show any courtesy
towards wimmen?" And bein' browbeat
and skairt (for he wuz a great strong
man and she a little mite of a woman
and tired out) she had to knuckle down
ai d admit that men did have courtesy,
oceans of it. But he wouldn't git the
water, he showed his independence there
[85]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
and she better kep' still and not aggra-
vated him.
Lots of folks blamed him, Samantha
did, them that see shaller, and didn't see
deep into first causes. Ke told Uncle
Si me and me jest how it wuz ; he said that
mad and aggravated as he wuz he didn't
forgit that his wife belonged to the
weaker and tenderer sect, and it wuz a
husband's duty and privelige to take care
on her and shield her from harm. And
he said he didn't hit her hard at all, only
gin her a little tunk to let her know who
wuz master there and that he wouldn't
brook female arguin', and he said that
if she hadn't been so tuckered out it
wouldn't have hurt her much of any,
and he wuz as surprised as she wuz when
she tumbled over. But he said seein'
she laid there on the floor he see it wuz
his duty to his own sect to make her own
up how truly superior men wuz, and how
much courtesy they had, for he thought
mebby he should never git so good a
chance agin to make her own up to them
noble traits of men. Uncle Sime and I
[86]
Wherein I Prove Man's Courtesy
both see how Fez felt and what driv him
to do what he did.
I tell you agin it is a perilous and ago-
nizin' epock of time for the male sect at
home and abroad. Men in America
havin'to set curled up on a bench by the
side of the road, and see weak wimmeu,
underlines, a marchin' by 'em in the
center of the street with brass bands and
banners a flyin'. And in England the
highest official of the Empire held by
the collar and shook by a weak female
jest like a spitball thrower of a school-
boy, and couldn't resent it in court owin'
to his havin' so much dignity at the
stake.
Oh, my down trod sect I what are we a
comin' to? I do git so wrought up a
meditatin' on the dretful things that are
a happenin' to us men nowdays, and how
browbeat and how humiliated we are by
our inferiors, I git so cast down and de-
prested that my melancholy sperit has to
bust out in poetry. For some time I've
had them feelin's. Now last Christmas
night I had such a spell, and I had to git
[87]
J-
r
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
. out of bad and put Samantha's crazy
quilt round me (and it seemed as if that
insane quilt made me feel more high
strung and wild) and go out in the settin'
room and ease my strugglin' sperit in
verse.
Why, sometimes it seems if I didn't
have this safety valve to my bustin',
swellin' emotions it seems almost as if 1
should have to be hooped to keep myself
together. But poetry kinder easies me a
little. Now last Saturday night I writ the
follerin' verses as late as leven p. m. We'd
been to meetin' as usual, and had a splen-
did Christmas dinner. Samantha, as I
have mentioned prior and before this,
with all the weaknesses and shortcomin's
of her inferior sect, is a masterly cook.
But it is all nonsense her thinkin' I et
too much ; I didn't eat more'n four pieces
of mince pie, and three helpin's of plum
puddin', besides the turkey and vege-
tables and salad and such. If a strong
man belongin' to a strong and superior
sect can't stand that, it is a pity.
She insisted that it wuz r nightmair
[88]
ill
H
Wherein I Prove Man's Courtesy
that Bot on my chist and rid me out of
bed into the settin' room that time o'
night. But it wuzn't no such thing, it
wuz my melancholy and deprested sperit
that overcome me a thinkin' of my sect
and what wuzn't to be.
It seems as if everything melancholy
and cast down appeared right in front on
me. Seems as if I could see old Fate a
encouragin' and pompeyin' the more op-
posite sect, and turnin' her back and
luokin' down onto me and my sect, and
refusin' me and us things she might have
gin us if she'd a mind to. But bein' a
female we might know she'd be contrary
and love to tromple on us, and on me in
petickular. As I sot there in them solemn
night hours, with Samantha sleepin'
peacefully in the next room and the old
clock tickin' away as if onmindful of the
sufierin' sperit near it, it seemed as if
every mean jab old Fate had ever gin
me from her sharp elbows and hard
knuckles riz right up before me, and I
seemed to see all the agreable things she
might have did for the benefit of me and
[89]
' ii
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
my sect if she hadn't been so contrary,
but as I said, what could you expect of a
female? My feelin's wuz turrible; the
verses I gin vent to relieved me a little
some like prickin' a bile and after writin'
*em I went back to bed and slep' so sound
that I never hearn Samantha buildin' a
fire and gittin' breakfast till the sweet
uroma of the coffee and briled chops stole
on my wakened senses and I forgot for
the moment the trials of me and my
sect and felt better than I did feel. The
verses wuz entitled :
' :;l
A CHBISTMA8 OWED
By Jo»iah AUen, Eaq.y P. M. 8. J. C. F.
Yes Cairistmas has come, it got here at last,
A bringin' me memories out of the past.
And a pair of galluses, a necktie sad—
A gray night-shirt and a paper pad ;
Usefal presents, but nothin' gay.
Useful presents, dum 'em 1 I say !
I wanted some jew'by for the brethren to see,
But it wuzn't to be, it wuzn't to be.
Ministers preach 'tis a blessed day.
And so it is in a meetin' house way ;
But to me it has been a day of gloom,
Samantha I see didn't like the broom,
[90]
I
Wherein I Prove Man's Courtesy
And mop-8tiok, aud pair of cowhide shuea,
It took me the heft of a hour to ohiue ;
It made me deprested, and moomftilee
Pve moaed on the things that vuzn't to be.
Weak females risin' on every hand
Fertendin' that they're equal to man —
Wantin' to stand right np by his side,
Inrtead of the place where they ort to abide
Down in the safety and peace at his feet ;
Oh the dear old times, so happy so sweety
Will never come back to my sect, nor to me,
Ho, it wozn't to be, it wnzn't to be.
Yes, I gness old Fate made a slip of her pen,
When fizin' the lot of the children of men,
'Twas bad for the world and for me I ween
That I wnzn't born a king or a queen ;
My bald head shines out bare and cold,
Or wears a hat, oh a crown of gold
Would set it oflf fur agreabler to me.
But it wuzn't to be, it wnzn't to be.
Fate sets a writln' in darkness and night,
'Tain't spozeable she always gits things right ;
To the poor she sends ten children or more
Crowdin' in through Famine Wolves round the
door,
While for one kid the rich may vainly sigh,
But she flirts her skirts and passes 'em by ;
Why hain't villains shot while the good go fkeet
It wuzn't to be, it wnzn't to be.
[91]
il
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
A poet oomea with his dreamy way
Bight into a neet of commoo clay ;
And in picas home a suul gits in
The sue of the hole in the head of a pin ;
So 'tain't so slrauge some feller and I
Should git mixed up on our way through the sky ;
If I had to be born why not been he.
It wuzn't to be, it wuzu't to be.
Fate sort o' yanked me and throwed me down
On a Yankee hillside bare and brown ;
And gin me a chance to die or live
Accordin' to labor I had to give ;
I couldn't eat stuns or a burdock burr,
So I hac' to hustle and make things purr,
No bread-fruit round, nor no custard-tree ;
No, it wuzu't to be, it wuzu't to be.
Now that other feller that might have been me
By a turn of Fate's pen, oh in luxury
He lays and counts up his millions in bed,
With his crown on the bed-post over his head ;
I wonder by Snnm ! if he thinks it straight—
For me to be small and him to be great ;
When I might have been him and he might have
been me.
But it wuzn't to be, it wuzu't to be.
I*d ask how he'd like it to take off his crown
And to good hard hoein' knuckle down.
Or plantin', or hayin', or a weed puUin' bee
In onion beds, (dum 'em from A to Z !)
[92]
Wherein I Prove Man's Courtesy
I bet I could work on his feelln's bo deep
Ho'd np and divide a part of his beap,
Jest a thinkin' of how he might have been me—
But it wuzn't to be, it wozn't to be.
Now that feller's wife, I presoom to say
That some of the time he has his way ;
He's so tarnal Incky and happy and fat^
It would be jest like him to git eveu that
Oh I'd dearly love to have it to say
That onoe^ jest once I'd had my way
When Samantha and I didn't chauce to agree.
But it wuzn't to be, it wuzn't to be.
Samantha of course had to find fault
with these sad but beautiful verses.
And she asked me what them letters
meant I had strung along after my
name, showin' plain the inherient weak-
ness of a female's brain.
Of course a man would see to once
that they stood for Path Master and
Salesman in the Jonesville Cheese Fac-
tory. I had talked it over with Uncle
Sime and we both agreed that at this
time, when the hull race of men wuz
facin' complete insignificance, if not tee-
total anhiliation, it behooved us to lay
holt of every speck of dignity we could
[93]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
lay our hands on, and we both thought
them letters made my name look more
noble and riz up.
But Samantha didn't like the verses at
all, and agin advanced the uroneous idee
that it wuz my liver that ailed me in-
stead of genius.
Sez she, " If folks will gorge them-
selves * till their eyes stand out with fat-
ness,' as the Good Book sez, how can
they see plain to gratefully count over
the blessin's the past year has brought
'em, and lay plans to pass on some of
their good cheer to them that set in the
shadders of grief and poverty ? "
She said I'd be all right in a day or
two, and if I wuzn't she should soak my
head, and doctor me, for, sez she, " I hain't
goin' to have anybody round writin' such
deprestin' and ongrateful verses.
"Lots of times," sez she, "if senti-
mental and melancholy poets would git
their livers to workin' better they
wouldn't harrer up their readers so.
Catnip would help 'em to look on the
brighter side of life, or thoroughwort "
[94]
Wherein I Prove Man's Courtesy
And she didn't like the last pathetic
and interestin' stanza ; she said I'd had
my way, or thought I'd had it time and
agin. And agin she said it wuz my liver
that ailed me, and she even approached
me with some catnip tea.
Good heavens 1 Oatnipl to curb my
soarin' sperit, and soothe the ardent emo-
tions of my soul.
A regular fool idee. You might know
it sprung from a female's brain, or ruther
the holler spot where brains should be —
Gracious heaven I Catnip !
[95]
VI
I TALK ON FEMALES INFBINGIN'
AS I've repeated time and agin it is
a apaulin' epock of time us males
are a passin' through. More and
more, day by day and year by year the
female sect is a infringin' on us. Right
after right, privelige after privelige, dear
to our manly souls as the very apples in
our eyes, are grasped holt on by en-
croachin' female hands and torn away
from us weak and helpless men.
From birth to death the infringin*
goes on, you can't take up a newspaper
now but you see signs on't. In the good
old times when a man had a child born
to him to carry on his name and his prop-
puty to future generations, he took the
credit on't. How is it told on now ? in-
stead of puttin' it in as it used to be,
and ort to be, "John Smith has got a
[96]
I Talk on Females Infringin'
son, John Smith Jr." — it is writ down
now in this fool way :
"A son is born to John and Mary
Smith." What's the use on't? John's
name is enough any lool would know
there wuz a female somewhere connected
with the event in a womanly onobstru-
sive way, but why do they have to bring
her name forward to set her up, and spile
her, and mention all these little peticku-
lars?
Why, how wuz it in Bible times, as I
asked Samantha, sez I, " From the very
first it wuz set down as it ort to be and a
sample to foller, Noah begot Ham, and
Ham begot Cush, and Gush begot Nimrod,
and they kep' on begettin' and begettin',
chapter after chapter, and no female's
name connected with it in any way, shape
or manner." Sez I, " Hain't that a solemn
proof, Samantha, that females are inferior
and wuzn't considered worth writin'
about ? " Sez I, " You nor no other Fe-
male Suffragist can squirm out of that."
Sez Samantha, " Men translated the
Bible, but I can tell you," sez she, " that
[97]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
when Miss Ham, racked with agonizin'
pain, went down to death's door for little
Gush, whilst Mr. Ham wuzsanterin' round
Canean smart as a cricket, and probable
flirtin' with some good lookin' four-
mother, if Miss Ham had writ it up for
the Daily Paper her name would been
mentioned in the transaction."
That's jest the way it is, even Bible
proof can't stop wimmen's clack and
argyin'. Yes, jest as I said, infringin'
follers a man from the cradle to the grave.
For I'll be hanged if you don't see it
writ nowdays, "James Brown, beloved
husband of Sarah Brown." How bold,
how forward I htLsband of I It seems as if
it is enough to make his grampa, old
Jotham Brown, turn over in his grave
and try to git up, to stop such doin's. He
lived in a time when females knowed
their place and kep' in it. He had twenty-
one children by his seven different wives,
md every one on 'em wuz put in the
paper and the old Fambly Bible credited
to him; ketch him bavin' any female's
name mixed up with it, oh no I They
[98]
I Talk on Females Infringin'
couldn't infringe on him, not whilst he
wuz alive, they couldn't. He worked his
wives hard, and when one died off, he
married another. He said as long as the
Lord kep' takin' 'em, he ihould.
As I said no female couldn't git the
better of him whilst he wuz alive, but
they played a nasty mean trick on him
after he wuz dead. His last wife wuz a
high headed creeter, or would have been
if lie hadn't broke her in, and held her
head down with such a tight rain. But
owin' to his disagreein' with all his chil-
dren and bloody relatives she got the
propputy all in her hands, and after he
died she got tall noble gravestuns for
every one of his different wives, almost
monuments, with a long verse of poetry
on each one on 'em, and their names writ
down in full.
" Mahala Eliza— Mehitable Jane-
Amanda Mandana— Drusilly Charity—
Priscilla Charlotte— Alzina Tryphee
— Diantha Cordelia — all carved in big
deep letters, and their names before they
wuz married. These seven high stuns
[99]
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
stood in a sort of a half circle with a little
low stun in the center and on it printed
in little letters wuz :
" Our Husband."
It looked dretful ; but his children all
hatin' him as they did they didn't inter-
fere. But it wuz a mean trick and she
couldn't have done it if he'd been alive,
no indeed. But seein' he wuzn't there to
rain her in and hold her down, she took
the advantage on him as wimmen will
if you give 'em the chance. Folks all
thought she done it to come up with him
for bein' so hard on his different wives,
and keepin' 'em down so, and I presoom
she did. I presoom she wuz a regular fe-
male infringer and suffrager.
Now in the marriage notices, instead of
bein' put in the newspaper in the modest
becomin' way it used to be, "John
Smith's son married to Mary Brown," it
has to be put in Mr. and Mrs. Smith's son
or daughter is married. Where is the
good horse sense on't ? Everybody would
know that young Smith had a mother
somewhere in the background, but what's
[lOO]
I Talk on Females Infringin'
the use of bringin' her forward so and
makin' on her 7 It is jest to infringe on
men, that's what it is for.
And when Luke Dingman married
Nancy Whittle she had the money to
start a store bizness, but Luke bein' a
man, his wuz the name that ort to been
spoke on, and he went and got a hand-
some sign all painted " Luke Dingman's
Store." And if you'll believe it Nancy
made him git it painted all over agin
"L. and N. Dingman's Store." What
wuz the use of draggin' a female's ini-
tional into it? Jest to infringe on us
men. But lots of men made fun on't
and told Luke he'd ort to been man
enough to stand his ground and kep' the
first sign. They say it makes Luke real
huffy, and he takes it out on Nancy, is
dretful mean to her, but she's only got
herself to blame, she hadn't ort to in-
fringed on him.
And last week Samantha and I went
to Philena Peedick's weddin'. And when
the minister asked, "Who giveth this
woman to this man? " the widder Peedick
[ lo: ] .
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
walked up bold as brass, and gin Philena
away, she, a feTmcUe woman ! Never, as I
told Uncle Si me, never did I see a plainer
or more flagrant case of infringin' on
men's rights. Why, Philena had a male
uncle there, and ruther than see such
things go on I would have gin her away
myself.
But thank Heaven, there is one thing
they hain't changed yet, females have got
to knuckle down and be gin away to a
man, in marriage, that's a little comfort.
" Who giveth this woman I " They have
got to hear that, much as it may gald
'em.
But as I told Uncle Sime, it would be
jest like 'em to try to change that. And
I told him the first we knew a female
would snake a man up to the altar, and
the minister would be made to say. Who
giveth this man to this woman ? and the
woman who walked him up there would
say, " I give him." And then she'll hand
him over to the bride. Oh, my soull
have I ever got to see that day? Uncle
Sime and I both said that we hoped and
[102]
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I Talk on Females Infringin'
trusted that we would be dead and buried
under our tombs before that humiliation
come onto our sect.
Uncle Sime and I sympathize a lot to-
gether and talk of the good old times and
forebode about the future. And one day
when my sperit seemed crushed down
and deprested more than common, and
the future for us men looked dark and
gloomy indeed, I sez to him :
"Simon, I see ahead on us the time
when I shall be called Mr. Samantha
Smith."
Uncle Sime, though very smart, hain't
got my mind, sort o' forebodin' and pro-
phetic, and much as he'd worried about
wimmen's infringin', he hadn't foreboded
to that extent, and he trembled like a
popple leaf at them dretful words and sez :
"Oh, gracious heavens, Josiahl how
can we men ever stand up under that I "
But I went on, turnin' the knife in the
wownd, "Mr. Kittie Brown, Mr. Nellie
Jones I What do you think of that,
Simon?"
He groaned and sithed but didn't say
[103]
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I
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
nothin'; it seemed as if the very idee had
fairly stuntrd him, and I kep' still and
meditated and my mind roamed back to
the humiliatin' time when I laid my
onwillin' nose on the grindstun, or
ruther it wuz laid on for me and held
there, and I signed a piece of poetry I
had writ " Samantha Allen's Husband."
It hain't no use to go into the petioku-
lars and tell all about the means em-
ployed to git me under such mortifyin'
subjugation. Vittles had sunthin' to do
with it, and I hain't goin' to tell no fur-
der. But never, never shall I forgit my
meachin' and downtrod linement as I
surveyed it in the glass when I wuz
shavin' jest afterwards. Shavin' a beard I
that very act riz up and asserted the su-
premacy of my sect and mocked the move
I had made. Oh, the sufferin's of that
occasion and my vain efforts to git out of
it. But Samantha never sympathized
with me a mite. She said, " You've seen
me doin' the same thing for years and
enjoyed it, and what is sass for the gander
ort to be sass for the goose."
[104]
I Talk on Females Infiingin'
There is another proof of wimmen's
infringin'; she turned that familiar old
sayin' right round to carry her pint, and
put the goose where the gander always
had been, and ort to be. I tell you there
hain't no length a female won't go to to
carry the day and infringe on men's
rights.
And you might as well git blood from
a white turnip as to git any pity and
sympathy from 'em for my downtrod
sect. For when I mentioned to Samantha
my turrible forebodin' aho"^ my sect
havin' to take wimmen's n ues at the
altar, and asked her if she could begin to
realize what men's humiliated and de-
spairin' feelin's would be at such a time,
she up and sez :
" Do you realize what wimmen's feelin's
are at the altar ? She's had to stand it.
No matter how romantic and beautiful
her name wuz, Miss Victoria Angela
Chesterfield has had to change it for Miss
Ichabod Tubbs, or Miss Peleg Hogg.
" And," sez she, " if she has a big prop-
puty and married a man so poor he had
[105]
Jodah Allen on the Woman Queuion
to boH'y hi. weddin' .hirt, she had to
hear him My, ' With all my worldly
gooda I thee endow,' when all them
goods wuz a pile of debts she had to pay
for h.m, but she had. to stand it and
couldn't snicker, for it wuzn't a sniokerin'
time.
"And 8 great able bodied business
woman had to promise to obey a little
snip of a boy, when they both knew she
wuz ly,n' with a priest hearin' the lie
and g,v.„' ,t his blessin'. My sect has
had to stand considerable from yonrn "
sez Samantha.
No I didn't git a mite of sympathy
jTx^.T' """^ "'S"" ^"^^ '"»°*«J it. Md
I d bettor not said a word to her about
my forebodin's.
But Uncle Simon Bentley always hears
my progn^ties with respectful sympathy,
and he said after I come out of my medi-
would feel to take a woman's name, he
" Thanks to a kind and protectin'
Providence,:.! hain't married. Butnrverf
[io6J
#
s
I Talk on Females Infringin*
whilst I have the sperit of manhood in
me would I, Sitnou Bentley, ever be
called Miss Polly Brown. No, I would
cover that alter with my goar, before I
would submit to it." And to comfort me
he sez, " Josiah, mebby it won't take place
in our day."
But I sez, " Simon, I see it jest ahead
on us if this infringin' can't be stopped,
and I don't see no way to stop it."
Bnt sez Simon in his comfortin' way,
" Yo' • book, Josiah, that great work, you
forgit that. I believe it will work wonders
for our poor strugglin' sect."
" No, Simon," sez I, " I don't forgit
that great work for a moment of time ; it
is the anchor throwed out into the heavin'
water of woman's revolt that is a risin'
all round us. Sometimes I hope the
anchor will touch the solid bottom of
man's supremacy, and hold, and then
I feel boyed up. But my feelin's ebbs
and flows like the mighty ocean to which
I have before fittin'ly compared my emo-
tions. We both on us heave up, and
heave down. To-day I am a heavin'
[ 107 ]
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
down. Oh, how deprested and dubersome
I do feel," but I went on in tremblin'
axents, " I am bound to make this tre-
menjoue effort, and if you and I, Uncle
Sime, and the rest of our sect have got to
lay down in the dust to be trod on by the
feet of underlin's, whilst layin' there
under them high heels, I will have the
conscientiousness that I have did what I
could for my downtrod sect."
My feelin's overcome me so here that I
took out my bandanna and wiped mv
eyes, and UncleSime hisen. He looked as
cast down as I did, as we both realized our
danger from the turrible doin's round us
and instinctively we took holt of hands
and sot there sympathizin' for quite a
spell. ^
But anon Uncle Sime had to go home.
He lives with his niece and she sez " if
she has to support him, he has got to be
promp to his meals, or go without," so he
hastened off.
And I summoned up the brave dan tless
spent of manhood and walked upright
through the kitchen (we'd been settin' on
[io8]
I Talk on Females Infringin'
the back stoop). I trod with a firm bold
step and braved Samantha's onsympa-
thizin' demeanor as she stood fry in' nut
cakes, and retired into the welcome
seclusion of the corner sacred to my
literary pursuits.
Mekanically I run my hands through
the dish-pan heaped with Betsy's poetry.
Oh, how sad, when a man has to turn to
another female (and one he has always
detested) for the sympathy and under-
standin' denied him on his own hearth-
stun. And though I despise Betsy
Bobbett Slimpsey as a human bein' and a
female, yet when torn and wownded from
infringin' and cold remarks from my own
pardner, I do draw a little mite of comfort
from that granny iron dish-pan, and run-
nin' my hand through the poetry heaped
up in it, and read how she looks up to
my sect, and the becomin' and reverent
views she takes on us, and me in
petickular. And how it has always been
the goal of her life and should be to every
womanly female to be united by hook or
by crook to one on us, it soothed me, it
[109]
^illi
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
brought back the dear old days when
man's supremacy wuz onquestioned and
he wuzn'f infringed on.
And I read how she despises and looks
down on the encroachments of the inferior
sect to which she belongs, and how she
loathes the great tide of the Feminist
movement that is risin' up all over the
world, threatenin' to sweep us strong
males away, as frothy water, if there is
enough on't will uproot giant oaks.
I read over piece after piece to cam my
sperit, hurt and wownded by infringin',
and my pardner's onsympathizin' words,
and I picked out the follerin' one as bein'
comparitively worthy a place in my great
work.
This poem, writ before her marriage, I
consider the most touchin'ly pathetic one
of all the enormous pile on 'em I had
perused. What to a feelin' mind and
tender heart is more pitiful than to see a
patridge hidin' his head under a maple
leaf, and thin kin' his hull body is hid
from the hunter ? What is more affectin'
than to see how Betsy tried to hide her
[no]
[il'sfi
'^
I Talk on Females Infringin*
lifelong pursuit of man, and matrimony,
under the cold word, duty f
« Unless she see her duty plain."
Oh, what a soul of meanin' there is hid
under that word, unless. A keen e3^e,
and a tender heart can read between the
lines her real meanin', her dantless re-
solve, as plain as the hunter sees the
plump body and gray tail feathers of the
patridge. But I will not keep the reader
longer from the sad but beautiful poem.
STANZAS ON DUTY
By Betsy Bobbett
Unless they do their duty see
Oh who would spread their sail
On matrimony's cruel sea
And face its angry galet
Oh Betsy Bobbett I'll remain unless I see
my duty plain.
Shall horses calmly brock a halter
Who over fenceless pastures stray t
Shall females be dragged to the altar,
And down their freedom lay t
No, no, B. Bobbett I'll remain, unless I see
my duty plain.
[Ill]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
Beware ! beware, oh rabid lover
Who pines for iutellect and beauty,
My heart is ioe to all your over-
tures unless I see my duty,
For Betsy Bobbett I'll remain wUeu I see
my duty plain.
Gome not with keys of rank and splendor
My heart's cold portals to unlock,
'Tis vain to search for feeliu's tender
Too late you'll find you've struck a rock ;
For Betsy Bobbett I'll remain utdess I see
my duty plain.
'Tis vain for you to pine and languish,
I cannot soothe your bosom's pain,
In vain are all your groans, your blandish-
ments I warn you are in vain ;
For Betsy Bobbett I'll remain unless I see
my duty plain.
You needn't lay no underhanded
Plots to ketch me, men desist
Or in the dust you will be landed
For to the last I will resist.
For Betsy Bobbett I'll remain unless 1 see
my duty plain.
[iia]
VII
ABOUT WIMMEirS FOOLISH LOVE FOB
PETICEULABS
HOW folkses emotions will some-
times rise up entirely onex-
pected and onbeknown to them,
and git the better on 'em. Of course we
male Americans have always foreboded
and felt dretful about a certain subject.
But this mornin' it come over me like a
black flood, the realizin' sense of the
enormous labor that votin' would bring
onto weak delicate females, and how im-
possible it wuz for their fraguile constitu-
tion and puny strength to stand up under
it.
Why, hc«7 many many times we states-
men have said and preached and lectured
that wimmen wuzn't much more nor less
than angels, and ort to be treated as such.
Tender delicate flowers, to be kep' from
[113]
I
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
every chillin' breeze of life that tried to
blow onto 'em.
Spich talk has been one of the greatest
comforts of us men, and has been very
afifectin' and effective with lots of fe-
males. As I say I've knowed it and held
forth on it for years and years, ever since
this loathsome doctrine of Wimmen's
Rights become so prominent in Jones-
ville.
But as many different emotions as I've
had about it, never wuz my feelin's so
wrought up as upon this occasion I speak
of. My '.steeled pen fairly trembled in
my hands, shook by my devotion to Sa-
mantha, and my determination if possi-
ble to keep her beloved and delicate form
from sinkin' down under the awful fateeg
of votin', and havin' Rights. I wuz so
excited and strung up by my feelin's,
that I felt that I must warn her agin
about it that very minute, and I hollered
to her to come to me to once.
I spoze my voice wuz skairful, my
feelin's wuz such, and she come a
hurryin' in wipin' her hands on her
[114]
Wimmen's Love for Petickulars
apron, and sez she, " For the land's sake I
what is the matter, Josiah ? Have you
got a crick ? "
" No," sez I, " I've fell into fur deeper
waters than any crick. It come over me
like a overwhelmin' flood, the thought of
the weakness of wimmen, and the arjous
and tuckerin' job of votin', and how im-
possible it wuz for weak wimmen to not
sink down under it, and I felt I had to
warn you about it this very minute, and
entreat you agin to shun it as you would
a pizen serpent."
" Well," sez she, "you better forebode
to yourself another time. I wuz jest
rensin' out my last biler of clothes, and
I've got to whitewash the summer
kitchen, and paint the buttery floor, and
scrape the paper off" overhead in the
settin' room, so's to paper it to-morrow.
And I guess that whitewashin' and
scrapin' off that paper with a case knife
overhead is as hefty a job as liftin' up a
paper ballot, to say nothin' of the biler
full of clothes I'm liftin' on and off, and
sweatin' over the wash-tub. And I'll
[115]
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V
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
thank you to keep your forebodings and
warnings to yourself in the future, and
not call me oflfen my work." And she
went out and shet the door hard.
And that's all the thanks I got for my
tender feelin's and overpowerin' desire to
keep hardships from her. But I knowed
she wuz expectin' company, and fixin' up
and preparin' for *em, so I overlooked it
in her, and I presoom to say the thought
of that company and the extra good
meals we wuz sure to have, had a ameli-
oratin' effect on me. But her hashness
won't stop me nor other noble tender
hearted males from worryin' about the
turrible hardship and labor of votin',
and tryin' our best to keep the gentle
delicate females we are protectin' and
guardin' from plungin' into it.
But I'm so sensitive and my feelin's so
easy hurt, that it must have been a min-
ute and a half before my mind settled
down agin and I could hold my steeled
pen in ae firm a grip as heret >fore, and
resoom my powerful argumentative
strain.
[ii6]
Wimmen's Love for Petickulare
Another reason I've argued why wim-
men should not vote wuz she would act
so awkward in politics she would put in
so many petickulars, wimmen's minds
hain't stabled, they hain't got horse
sense. And they don't nor won't appre-
ciate that good old doctrine that has al-
ways been such a comfort to me and
Uncle Sime and other statesmen, that
what has been always will be, and to let
well enough alone. No they have got to
be tinkerin' and tryin' to make things
better, and interfere, and talk and tell
petickulars. Now if a merchant sells 'em
cloth for their fambly, instead of buyin'
and payin' for it and keepin' their mouth
shet as a man would, they'll feel of it
and pull it to and fro, fro and to. And
if it hain't what he claims it is, if it is
shoddy and poor, they'll talk and talk
till he has to hustle round and buy good
stuff, or they won't trade with him,
takin' off his profits jest by petickulars.
And if a grocer lets his eatin' stuff lay
round outdoors for the flies to roost on,
do you spoze they'll buy that stuff? No,
[117]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
their minds not bein' bigger than them
fly specks, they'll hound that man till
they make him cover up that stuff or
bring it into the house, and every one
that has got horse sense knows it makes
that man extra work, but what do they
care? And if he tries to make a little
more money by sellin' things that hain't
jest what you might call hullsome — and
of course every business man understands
that he wants to make all the money he
can — why, the woman that buys that
stuff once, and thinks it hain't what she
wants to feed her fambly on, she begins
to tell petickulars; she'll call it rotten,
and tell how long it has been in cold
storage, she'll say " to lessen population
and increase some millionaire's revenue."
And she'll call his canned vegetables
mouldy, and tell how his canned meat
smells, and how it made her children
sick, and how Eben Purdy's little girl
died after eatin' it, and how it took off
old Miss Lanfear.
All these little petickulars she has to
dwell on with other wimmen till she gits
Wimmen's Love for Petickulars
'em all rousted up and there will be a
dozen talkin' at one time, sez I, and sez
he, and sez she, and sez they. And
they'll keep it up and jest boycote that
man till he has to keep hullsome goods
that cost him most as much agin, and of
course cuts down his profits, but they
don't think of that.
And how them wimmen found fault
with the decision of the Supreme court,
that pizen could be used to bleach flour,
when they knew the Supreme court is
composed of the very smartest men in
the Nation. And they knowed them su-
preme men didn't approve of usin' enough
pizen in it to kill the aged and infants.
But they had to argy and boast that
if they wuz supreme wimmen, they
wouldn't had a mite of pizen put into
bread, jest as if grown folks can't stand
a little pizen now and then. But you
can see plain that they claim that wim-
men can manage the home and food
bizness better than men, and want to
find fault with men and git the upper
hands on 'em.
[119]
Joeiah Allen on the Woman Question
i
And it is jest so with milk. A fool ort
to know that it makes a man as much
agin work to fuss and clean off his cows
and bis stables every day, and keep his
milk absolutely clear But what do they
care if a man breaks his back cleanin'
his stables and washin' off his cows' tits.
They'll talk and put in every little pe-
tickular about how many babies wuz
killed by his bad milk, and how many
folks got tomain from it, till they carry
the day and git the milk they want.
Another man made to toe the mark by
petickulars.
And it is jest so rith stuff throwed
into the street — why, a man can't call
his soul his own, and throw a old cab-
bage or rotten potato into the street with-
out their interferin' with him, and makin'
him clean up his primises and keep a
covered garbage can.
Now jest imagine what that meddlin'
interferin' sperit would be if carried into
politics, if public officials wuz a prey to
woman's petickulars. Now spozin' a man
wuz nominated for some high office that
[ «o ]
1
3
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a
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1 )■ .■
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Wimmen's Love for Petickulars
Lain't mebby jest exactly square. For
as Uoc'e Sime sez, " What man is square
in pul 'ic life ? No," he sez, " you'll find
«ai fivery shape and size, except 4 by 4."
But wimmen can't accept that scientific
statement, made by folks that know, that
men are made in such a way that public
life and politics wears and rubs on their
square corners, and digs into and destroys
their shape, so as Uncle Sime sez, " They
can't help bein' crooked."
But wimmen's brains hain't strong
enough, and their naters and consciences
hain't elastic enough to comprehend such
matters. They always have and always
will pay more attention to them little
petickulars of Right and Wrong than
men have time to. As I've said before,
they can't see big, they see little. They'll
talk it over together how many million
dollars is made by the White Slave trade
every year, ketchin' sweet young girls,
they'll say by the net of their love, by
drink, by pizened needles, flattery, lies,
treachery, takin' 'em from health, home
and happiness, and throwin' 'em to the
[121]
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St
I
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pi-
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
lions of Lust and Greed, into livin'
deaths.
Oh, yes, they'll put in all the peticku-
lars. And they'll ask how many millions
wuz made by highway graft, tax-payers
wadin' through mud, whilst high officials,
contractors and public grabbers stuff the
tax-payer's money in their pockets. And
they'll bring up stories about all the other
big corporations and money grabbers.
And how much blood money is made
yearly by whiskey sellin' ? That is the
main fountain their petickulars gush
from. Now if a smart hustlin' saloon
keeper is nominated for some high office
and wimmen could vote, what would be the
consequence ? Why, they would jest on-
loose them petickulars onto him and he
would be washed completely away on 'em.
They wouldn't know any better than
to peek and pry into his bizness, and run
it down to the lowest notch. Jest as if a
bizness that is good enough for the U. S.
Govermunt isn't good enough for them.
No, their naters bein' such, and they've
got such itchin' ears, they'll pry round
[122]
Wimmen's Love for Petickulars
into every crook and turn of that man's
bizness, and talk about it till they git
the hull community riled up. The hull
wimmen crew will pin on their white
ribbings, and git their heads together,
tellin' some story agin him, and the biz-
ness he represents, and go into all the
petickulars, sez I, and sez he, and sez she,
and sez they.
" Le'me see," sez they, " when wuz it
he got Hen Daggett so drunk that he
went home and whipped his wife, and
most killed her and her : \i baby wuz
born a fool.
" And what time o' night wuz it, wuz
it ten or twelve, that he got old Chawgo's
boy crazy drunk and wantin' to git rid
on him, histed him up on his motorcycle
and started him for home, and he didn't
go half a mile before he fell off and wuz
killed.
" And what time of year wuz it, wuz it
late in the spring or early in the summer,
that them two Wizzel girls wuz took from
his saloon drugged and unconscious, and
not a hide or hair on 'em seen sence.
[123]
r
Josiah Allen on the */oman Question
" And le'me see, wuz it on a Monday or
a Tuesday, that them two men got into a
drunken fight in his saloon and both on
'em got killed. No, it wuz on a Wednes-
day, for I remember I cut my bib apron
wrong, I cut it ketrin ways, and jest as I
wuz cuttin' it over, I hearn of that big
railroad smash-up where two hundred
got killed and maimed by a drunken
engineer."
Them wimmen would bring up all
them little petickulars agin that man,
and his bizness lection day, jest to be
mean, and to beat him. Every man and
woman whiskey had destroyed, all the
crime and agony and poverty it has
caused, every fambly wrecked by it, every
young man ruined, every young girl who
went through the saloon into destruction,
and the one hundred thousand deaths
caused by it every year. They wouldn't
know enough to keep their mouths shet
at this time when it wuz so important to
have 'em shet up ; they'd jest clutter up
the road to the pole with petickulars.
And no matter how flourishin' a bizness
["4]
Wimmen's Love for Petickulars
that man wuz doin', and how much
money he wuz making and how much
he wuz willin' to pay for votes, helpin'
the male community in this way, they'd
carry the day agin him.
They can't seem to realize what a loss
in propputy it is to the man they're a
houndin'. And if you twit 'em of it
they'll twit back and ask, What of the
one billion, four hundred million dollars
loss to the country every year, caused by
strong drink, and ask you if you know
that as many Americans are killed every
year by it as has been killed in all
the battles of the world since time begun.
Havin' to ask all these little leadin' ques-
tions at jest that onconvenient time and
take the advantage on him.
And then when they git him turned
down and some favorite religious man
elected in his place, oh, how their tongues
would run agin, tellin' of all the good
things he'd done and would do ; agin it
would be sez I, and sez he, and sez she,
and sez they. Wimmen can't seem to
learn to set still to home, and knit, no,
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
they have got to meddle and interfere
with men's bizness, as fur as they can,
and woe be to us if they ever cut loose
and run furder.
Why the Hullsale Liquor Dealers' Asso-
ciation will agree with every word I've
said. They know what females are, and
what they can do when they git their
white ribbings on, and are banded together
agin 'em, and they begin to tell petick-
ulars. That's what makes 'em figlit so
agin Woman's Suffrage. They know
where they and their bizness would be
after a few years of wimmen's petickulars
and votin', and they're willin' to pay well
them that help 'em.
As I've intimidated before, to a smart
hustlin' bizness man who looks out for
his own interest, it is absolutely appallin'
to see how Woman Suffragists stand in
their own light. But in my talk about
the shiftless ways of these wimmen, and
their tetotle inability to see where their
interests lays, I want to make a honorable
exception of the modest retirin' She
Auntys. Them wimmen, though females,
[126]
Wimmcn's Love for Petickulars
have got some good horse sense; they
know which side their bread is buttered
and they lay out to keep it right side up.
They know who helps butter that bread.
They know it is better to ride round in
palace cars to their lectures agin Female
Suffrage, helped by them who hate that
cause like pizen, than it is to walk afoot.
And they know enough to grasp special
priveligos, and enjoy 'em, and they lay
out to help the ones that help them.
Liquor dealers have got oceans of horse
sense, and oceans of money, and they let
that money flow along where it will do
the most good, into female channels if
necessary. Anything to dam up the big
waters of Reform from risin' up and
washin' 'em away, and stop Woman Suf-
fragists from ruinin' their bizness, and
tellin' petickulars and votin'. And Til
ask this question of any man or woman
with the brains of a angleworm or cater-
pillar— Hain't it easier to float along with
the current, than to fight agin it and go
in the other direction ? Why a fool ort
to know it is.
[ "7 ]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
3!.'
You won't ketch them She A intys a
peekin' round huntin' for every little
petiokular about what the Liquor Dealers'
Association stands for, and talk and tattle
about the effects of liquor sellinV no
indeed. And I want to say and own up
that when I find a spark of horse sense in
a female, I'm willin' to own up to seein'
that spark shinin' out agin the back-
ground of females' nateral ignorance and
folly. We Jonesvillians reconize smart-
ness and horse sense, and I want to en-
courage and happify them She Auntys
by sayin', that the Creation Searchin'
Society of Jones ville wiP never be found
throwin' out no slurs agin them. Neither
will I as a male man, and a celebrated
author, ever be found mockin'andsneerin'
at 'em.
Of course they are females, but con-
siderin' the limited amount of brains that
females have and their scurcity of horse
sense, they have done and are doin' the
best they can. The Creation Searchin'
Society of Jonesville and the Liquor
Dealers' Association stand up hand in
[128]
Wimmcn's Love for Petickulars
band, with me in the midst, and publicly
reconize their humble helpfulness, and
what more in the way of honor can any
human female ask for ?
I always despised petickulars, every
male man duz. It's nateral when our
minds are took up with big things, big
thoughts, petickulars jar on us; we
hain't got the time for 'em in our busy
lives. But I believe few of my breth-
eren can say what I can, that petick-
ulars come within one of bein' the death
on 'em.
The way on't wuz Samantha wuz to
Tirzah Ann's visitin' and wuz took bed
sick there, and right while I wuz stark
livin' alone, I wuz took down with
voylent pains runnin' up and down my
spinal collar, and hull body.
But the neighborin' wimmen, friends
of Samantha, I will say done all they
could for me, they flocked in and filled me
up with milk porridge, chicken broth, etc.,
and sot up with me nights and waited on
me, helped by their various husbands.
And I should got along all right if it
[ "9 ]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
3!;
hadn't been for the endless swarm of
petickulars they driv into my room.
Talk, talk, talk, and tellin' petickulars,
some on em smaller than the end of a
nat's toe nail.
And one day when I'd been made
almost delerious by 'em, I made out to
open the stand draw at the head of my
bed and git out a pad and pencil, and
writ the follerin' verses which come from
the very bottom of my soul. Heaven
knows I
OWED TO PETICKULABS
By Josiah AUen, Esq.
I've been bed-sick and very bad,
And pains and chills and cramps I've had ;
And at Tirzah's Samautha come suddenly down
With plenresy pains from heel to crown,
She couldn't git home with her plagney crick —
So they never let her know I wuz sick.
But the neighbors turned out good and true
And stood by me to help me through,
They come alone, and they come in pairs,
They come with mules, and they come with
mares;
And I felt the goodness that in 'em lay
And treated 'em well both night and day.
Till they brung in them petickulars.
[ 130 ]
Wimmcn'i Love for Pctickalars
They oome from ftar, and they come from near
With new wild remedies strange and qoeer— *
My month wnz a open and burnin' road
Down which the streams of their medicines
flowed;
Streams of worm-wood and oil of tar,
And onions, and warnuts, and goose, and bar •
But my mean wnz a christian's all the while —
I slthed and swallered and tiied to smile —
Till they bruug in them petickulars.
They blistered my back, and they blistered my
breast;
They iled my nose, and they iled my chest,
They gin me sweats of various sorts,
Hemlock and whiskey and corn and oats—
I drinked their gruel weaker'n a cat,
I drinked their whey, didn't wink at that ;
I stood their faith cures, and their mind,
I took 'em all and acted resigned—
Till they brung in them petickulars.
But they tried their cures to the very last.
And I grew no better very fast ;
And I spoze they thought it would brighten my
gloom, '
To briDg some petickulars into my room.
So they drove 'em in and they talked of flies—
And of chicken's teeth, and muskeeter's eyes.
And they talked of pins, and stalks of hay.
And lettice seed, and there I lay —
A victim of small petickuhus.
[131]
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
And one reooonted a lengthy tale
About the beit way to drive a nail,
And one old woman talked a hour
On a pinoh of salt and a spanftil of flour ;
And Jane she boasted two hours the deed
3he did when she pizened a pnsley weed,
And there I'd sweat, and there I'd groau,
And pull my gray locks onbeknown —
A victim to small petickulars.
And a female sot with anxious frowu
Disputin' herself right up and down —
As to whether the hour wuz one or two,
\7hen their old white mare lost off its shoe —
Sometimes 'twas two, and then 'twas one,
And so through the hours that mare wuz run,
And it trompled my brain till I cried, " Whoa !
Do shue the old mair and let her go ! "
But under its heels I had to lay.
And sweat, and rithe, and cuss the day —
They driv in them petickulars.
And they wondered if Jane had cloth enough
For her calico apron with bib and ruff,
And they mentally rent their robes and tore,
For fear that sunthin' wuz wrong with the
gore.
Till I wished that gore wuz over it rolled,
And on Martha's boots that had been new
soled,
And they almost mistrusted wuz too thin.
By pretty nigh the wedth of a piu.
[132]
Wimmcn's Love for Pctickulars
And I vowed I could pat their aonls all in,
And rattle 'em round in the head of a pin.
And there I groaned, and turned, and lay.
And sweat and sithed from day to day,
A victim to small petioknlars.
Till one day I riz and cried with might,
"Bring on a earthquake into my sight,
Fetch me a cyclone good and strong,
A hnrrycain, pestilence, bring 'em along.
Let me see 'em before I am dead ;
Let 'em roar and romp around my betl,
But ketch 'em, kill 'em, drive 'em away,
This very minute of this very day
Every one of your dum petickulara.
" Let me be killed out square and rough.
By a good hard kick from a elephant's huflf,
Or let a volcano rise and bust
This mortal frame, if bust it must
But I swan to man that I won't die
By a kick from the oflf 1^ of a fly •
And agin I swan, that I won't give in
And go to my grave on th.- pint of a pin.
Killed by your dum petickulara."
My eyes wuz wild, my goery meen
Skairt 'em almost to death, I ween
The females all fled out of my sight.
The two old women mad with fright,
Jostled each other and fell over chaire ;
And all on 'em said " I wuz crazier'n bean."
[133]
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
Bat I aettled back on my peaceful bed
And most mistrusted I wuz dead
And had got throngh the gate to Benler land,
And I smiled some smiles, serene and bland,
For I never had felt sach peace before,
As when I drove 'em out of the door.
Every one of them dam petickalars.
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[134]
VIII
I TALK ON WIMMEN'S EXTBAVAQANCE
IT wuz a cam beautiful mornin'; old
Mom Nater seemed agreeable and
serene, goin' about her mornin 's
work of lightin' up and warmin' the
world. And Samantha seemed as busy
as old Nater herself, and as cam, as she
went about her work of makin' the house
comfortable and clean.
As I've mentioned prior and before
this a better, cleaner housekeeper than
Samantha Allen never trod on no shoe
leather whatsoever, or went barefoot.
Equinomical, industrious, and as a cook
beyond any compare. If these words
wuz the last I should ever write I'd die
solemnly declarin' as a housekeeper and
home maker Samantha Allen can't never
be beat. Oh, if her principles about fe-
male suffragin', and the inferiority of
her sect, and the superiority of my sect,
wuz only equal to her housekeepin',
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
what a treasure I would have in a earthen
vessel (that is Bible; I don't really under-
stand what it means, but I think it
looks well for a deacon to patronize the
Bible all he can conveniently, and bring
into his literary work passages out on't).
I feelt meller and agreeable in my
mind, as I sot there in my favorite corner
almost immersed in the parfenalia of my
perfession, two paper pads, a bottle of ink,
a steeled pen, two lead pencils, a pen
knife and the immense granny iron dish-
pan containin' Betsy B.'s poetry.
And as I sot there with my steeled pen
in my hand ready to begin work on my
remarkable book, my mind become so
impressed by the inestimable value it wuz
goin' to be to the world and the male and
female sect, that almost onbeknown to
myself I uttered the words aloud that
wuz seethin' through my large active
brain.
Sez I, "Samantha, don't you believe
this forthcomin' book of mine is goin'
to be the greatest work of this age, or
any age ? "
[136]
I Talk on Wimmcn's Extravagance
She wuz pickin' the pin feathers offan
a plump spring chicken for dinner, and
she looked up at me over her specs in
the cool deliberate way she has some-
times, and sez, "Josiah, a hen don't
cackle till she lays her egg."
And then she resoomed her work agin,
sayin' no more. Naterally my feelin's
immediately hardened more hard than
they had been, f^r I would ask any hu-
man bein' did not that one speech show
what I've sot out to prove in my book,
what wifflin' onstabled minds females
have got, and how onfit for votin', on-
jinted, tottlin', wanderin' way off from
the subject spoke on, flyin' down at one
jump from literatoor onto poultry. For
what connection, I ask, is there between
the finest fruit in literature, and hens ?
Hens which are known to be the awk-
wardes and stupidest of any liven critters.
What jinin' link is there between the
most scathin' and convincin' arguments
ever writ by mortal man, and eggs?
Mute, onfeelin', onseein', eggs.
But I only gin a moment of my valu-
[137]
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
able time to contemplate this prominent
phase of wimmen's folly. And bein'
driv back as I have often been by a lack
of congenial sympathy into my own in-
terior (my mind), my inteleck seemed to
flow freer than ever, and I devoted this
propishous time to enlargin' on a impor-
tant subject I had not had time to enlarge
on before, and that wuz the well known
extravagance of females and how fatally
fatal that trait which is exclusively con-
fined to her own sect would be if let
loose on the political world. And so
harrered up my mind got in contem-
platin' that gigantic danger to my sect,
and my country, that before I knowed it
I wuz speakin' my thoughts and fore-
bod in 's aloud.
Sez I, " Another insurmountable objec-
tion agin female suffragin', another fear-
ful danger facin' the country if females
should have a free run in the political
field, is their well known extravagance."
Sez I, " To a Female Researcher of the
prudent, equinomical male sect, it is ab-
solutely appallin' to witness the blind
[ «38 ]
ib
" Josiah," sez she, "a hen don't cackle till she lays her egg"
• M
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I Talk on Wimmcn's Extravagance
•
reckless extravagance of wimmen and
their well known habits of follerin' each
other's fashions blindly, like a flock of
sheep jumpin' over the fence. If one
woman gits a new dress the neighborin'
wimmen have got to git one like it, or
better, not a mite of independent sperit
about 'em. Why can't they take pattern
of us men who always wear jest what we
please, and pay no attention to what any
other male wears, pay no attention
whatsumever to fashion or extravagance.
In fact men would hardly know there
wuz any such words as them, if it wuzn't
for female doin's and the dictionary."
I knowed I had got Samantha in a
corner then that she couldn't git out on
and I waited with a dignified stately
look on my linement to hear her say,
"I gin up, Josiah; you're in the right
on't." Butdidlhear her say this? Oh,
no I
She lifted up the plump yeller skinned
chicken in one hand, whilst she peered
under its wings for a stray pin feather.
And then she laid it down gently on the
[ 139]
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
pages of the World that wuz spread for
Its benefit over the table, I spoze to keep
her dress clean, and as she looked down
on the smooth crisp folds of gingham she
sez :
" Yes, lots of wimmen are extravagant.
But as the fashion is now, Josiah, five or
SIX yards will make a woman a dress,
and have enough left to make her hus-
band a vest, if he would wear anything
so cheap. I've got enough left of this
very dress, good green and white plaid
gmgham, costin' ten cents per yard to
make you a good cool summer vest ; it
would wear like iron, and I stand ready
to make it, and will you wear it, Josiah ? "
She thought she had me in a corner
then, but my mind works so quick I an-
swered her almost instantaneously, " Id'no
as a green and white plaid vest would be
becomin' to my complexion, but I will
wear it if the other bretheren will."
Sez she, " I thought you didn't care
what any one else wore."
Is there any limit to a female's aggra-
vatin'? I wouldn't dane a reply. But
[ 140 ]
I Talk on Wimmen's Extravagance
I took up Ayer's Albernack with a stern
cold linement, and went to readin' the
advertisements, and of course she didn't
see the danger ahead on her, of irritatin*
too fur a strong nater.
She kep' right on, " No douht wimmen
are sometimes extravagant, Josiah, no
doubt they spend lots of money foolishly
and worse than foolishly, but before wo
decide that it ort to deprive her of polit-
ical rights, let us compare it with men's
extravagance for a few minutes."
I felt above replyin' to her, but kep'
my eye on the bottle of medicine, and
the woman raised from the tomb by a
smell of the cork, and she went on :
" Which party is it in a workman's
home that usually wants to buy an auto-
mobile before the little home is paid for ?
Mebby in some rare cases the woman
eggs the man on, but I believe that it is
safe to say that in seven cases out of ten,
it is not the housekeeper and house
mother that is willin' to risk losin' the
ruflf that covers her baby's pretty head,
and councils waitin' a while before takin'
[141]
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
on the extravagance of the added expense.
And which party is it, Josiah, that turns
and twists every way to save money so
her boy and girl can present a decent ap-
pearance before her mates? How many
millions a year duz the horse races, yot
races and polo games and other manly
amusements amount to? How many
billions a year duz the useless extrava-
gance of tobacco cost ? Of course you can
substract sunthin' for some wimmen's
foolish habit of cigarette smoking, but in
the great total it would hardly count.
And in how many poor homes duz a
woman toil into the night hours to mend
and make so that her family may look
respectable, while her husband is spendin'
his spare hours and spare change in the
corner saloon ? "
Sez I, lookin' up from the Albernack
with a scathin' irony that must have
scathed her, whether she owned up to it
or not, " I thought it wuz about time for
you to drag in that saloon bizness."
" Yes," sez she, " it is time. How many
billion dollars a year is spent mostly by
[ 14? ]
I Talk on Wimmen's Extravagance
men, in the ruinous extravagance of
strong drink, and how many billions
more in pay in' for the effects on't, loss
of labor, jails, prisons, hospitals, police
force, pauper burials, etc., etc., aud I
might string out them etc.'s, Josiah, clear
from here to Qrout Hozleton's and then
not begin to git in the perfectly useless
and ruinous extravagance of the liquor
bizness. And I guess that take all the
wimmen's extravagance, it will count up
so small in comparison as to be lost sight
on. And unlike the liquor bizness if a
woman dresses extravagantly, which no
doubt she often duz, the dressmakers and
merchants and jewelers reaps a profit, if
she gives extravagant fashionable parties,
the grocer, the florist, the laboring class
gits some benefit from it ; it is not a dan-
ger to human life, like the heart breakin',
soul destroy in' extravagance and danger
to the hull community of the liquor
traffic."
I felt above arguin' with her agin on
this subject I had so often wasted my
finest eloquence on. She knowed how I
[143]
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
felt, and I wouldn't demean myself by
repeatin' my crushin' arguments in that
direction, for I knowed as well as I sot
there that she wouldn't act crushed, no
matter if she felt flat as a pan-cake. So
I passed on to another faze of woman's
extravagance.
Sez I, " It hain't enough for her to
spend money like water on her bridge
parties, and maskerades, and theatre and
tango parties, but she has to rack what
little brain she's got, tryin' to git up new
follies that other wimmen hain't thought
on ; she has to have her dog parties, and
monkey parties, when them animals come
dressed like human bein's with human
folks to wait on 'em. Thank Heaven I
you can't say but what male men would
look down with abhorrence on such fool
doin's."
But Samantha sez, " Id'no, take a stag
party sometimes— mebby in the beginin'
them stags might be able to look down
on the monkeys, but after high-balls and
cock-tails and gallons of shampain has
been consumed, Id'no whether them
[144]
I Talk on Wimmcn's Extravagance
•tags could look dowu on sober temper-
ate monkeys, or the monkeys look down
on them, though no doubt some of the
stags behave and can see straight.''
I scorned to notice this slur onto my
sect, brung up I knowed to make me
swurve from my subject, but it didn't
make me swurve a inch. I went right
on and brung up wimmen's extravagance
in their houses.
Sez I, " Look at her gorgeous Brussels
carpets, her draperies hangin' from ele-
gant brass poles, her superb black walnut
furniture, her glossy black hair-cloth
sofias and easy chairs, a perfect riot of ex-
travagance, Samantha. Who can blame
a man from kickin' agin it, kickin'," sez
I, " with the hull strength of a outraged
nater and a number nine shue."
" No doubt," sez Samantha, " wimmen
are sometimes extravagant in makin'
their homes beautiful, but their families
and admirin' friends benefit by it. And
how duz her velvet carpets and Persian
rugs, her rose- wood furniture, statuary,
and costly pictures and silken draperies
[145]
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
compare with men's outlay and extrava-
gance in Public Buildings ; for instance,
the Capitol at Albany ; wimmen have had
nothing to do with that, and I guess her
most extravagant doin's in her house will
compare favorably with the millions
men have spent in that house for years,
and no sign of there ever bein' an end
to it."
I knowed by the look on her linement
that she meant to intimidate that there
had been shiftlessnes and stealin' goin'
on in that direction, and in other public
works through the country, but I refused
to notice the slur on my sect. That slur
that females love to sling at us and which
we'd better treat with silent contemp,
jest as I did now, for no knowin' if we'd
stoop to argy with 'em about it, what
figgers and statistics they may bring up,
to prove their slurs, so as I say I passed
it over with silent disdain, but I sez in a
safe general way, fur removed from prob-
able figgers she would be apt to throw at
me to prove her reckless insertions, I sez,
puttin' a sad look onto my linement :
[146]
I Talk on Wimmen's Extravagance
" Wimmen's extravagance makes the
heart of man to ache and often drives him
to a ontimely tomb, strivin' for fashion-
able display, strivin' for rights she don't
need." And bein' anxious to change the
subject at that juncter (I always think
it is best to change the flow of my
thought occasionally) I put on a sort of a
solemn, fraid look on my linement, ** Such
talk as you wimmen talk is revolution-
ary, Samantba, and is liable to lead to
war."
And then, if you'll believe it, so con-
trary and hard to conquer is females, she
took advantage of that speech of mine to
invay on the expenditure of war. She
asked me then and there how many bil-
lions wuz spent every year by male men
on the extravagance of man-made war,
its preperation and consequences.
I told her coldly and with a irony as
iron as our old cook stove, that as much
as she expected of me, she couldn't ex-
pect me to figger up to a cent what war
had cost the nation. Sez I, " With the
barn chores on my hands, and my great
[ 147 ]
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
work of destroyin' Woman's Suffrage do
you expect me to keep track of every
cent the nation has spent on war? "
"No," sez she, "one man couldn't
reckon it up if he spent his hull lifetime
at it, but jest the money spent on it
yearly is two billion five hundred mil-
lion. But," sez she, " it seems that the
enormous extravagance of man in this
direction and others don't unfit him for
the franchise. And if you should spend
a few years tryin' to reckon up the gi-
gantic expenditure in money and misery,
the horrors and extravagance of war and
its effects, you might feel like talkin' less
about wimmen's extravagance and how
it makes her onfit to be a citizen of the
country she's born into, and helps to
support with her labor and taxes."
Oh, how aggravatin' a woman can be
when she sets out to be. Much as I think
of Samantha and the tendrils of my great
heart are wropped completely round her,
as big as she is round her waist — yet
sometimes on occasions like this I almost
wish I wuz a bacheldor, a far off lonely
[148]
I Talk on Wimmcn's Extravagance
man in some distant cave, or on some
lonesome mountain peak, encumbered not
by a female who thinks she has a right
to argy with me and irritate me.
But these feelin's always come over me
in the middle of the forenoon, or the
middle of the afternoon. When it comes
nigh meal time, my wild seethin' emo-
tions gradually simmers down and as the
appetizin' meals progress so duz my feel-
in's change and grow less dangerous ; if
they didn't I don't know what the effect
would be to the world of females.
I spoze it is the way the overrulin'
power has fixed it as a means of safety to
females, for with my strong nater and
massive inteleck, if it wuzn't for them
three daily safety valves to let off the
steam of my indignation at female doin's,
and sayin's, Heaven only knows what
would be the consequences. Things and
folks would be tore to pieces for all that
I knew and utterly destroyed. For how
can you curb in a outraged and high
sperited nature when it is fully rousted
up, and aggravation has gone too fur?
[149]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
It is well that good vittles stand guard
between me and them.
But as a man who loves peace and
quiet, and despises female arguin' I wuz
glad at this juncter to see the welcome
form of Uncle Sime wendin' his way
towards the barn. And I throwed down
the Albernack with a hauty movement
of my right hand, and strode off barn-
ward with my head erect. And then we
two valiant warriors in a noble cause
held a meetin' of sweet sympathy and
full understandin' in the horse barn.
[150]
IX
THE DANGER PROM WIMMEN'8
EXAGGERATION
I TOLD Samantha one day that an-
other strong reason why wimmen
hadn't ort to vote, and why they
would be such a dangerous element in
politics wuz that they prevaricated and
exaggerated to such a alarmin' extent.
Sez I, "A woman can't tell a story
straight to save her life — ^but has to put
in so many exaggerations and stretch out
facts so you couldn't reconize 'em when
she gits 'em pulled out to the length she
pulls 'em. They don't seem to have any
idee of plain straightforward truthfulness
such as my sect has. As long as they've
seen men appearin' before 'em, tellin' the
exact truth from day to day, and from
year to year, they can't or won't foller his
example.
[ 151 ]
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
" That trait of theirn," sez I, " is bad
enough in the home and social circle, for
there their men folks can head 'em ofif,
and cover things up and make excuses
for 'em, and tell the story straight. But
if it wuz carried into public life where
their men folks couldn't reach 'em, and
quell 'em down, and ameliorate the ef-
fects on it, where would this nation be ?
It would be looked down on and shawed
at by Foreign Powers as a nation of ex-
aggerators and false witnessors, and it ort
to be.
** Wimmen can't seem to learn to tell
the truth and ' nothin' but the truth,' and
that is the reason, Samantha," sez I, " that
that clause wuz put in the law books ; it
wuz designed to try to skair female wit-
nesses, and drive 'em into tellin' the
truth. But it hain't done it."
I wuz gittin' real eloquent and riz up,
for nothin' pleases a man more than to
teach his wimmen folks great truths and
enlighten 'em about laws. But Saman-
tha had to bring me down from the hite
I wuz on, in the aggravatin' way females
[152]
Danger From Wimmen's Exaggeration
have. And as it turned out I wuz kinder
sorry I had dwelt on that trait of females
that particular time, for she said in the
irritatin' way wimmen have of bringin'
up facts at times when there hain't no
use of bringin' 'em up and when it is
inconvenient for 'em to be brung.
Sez she, " I would talk about exaggera-
tion in females, and men's love for exact
truth, after what took place in this settin'
room only last evenin'."
I didn't reply to her for there are times
when silent disapproval is better than ar-
gument. I knowed what she meant, and
I knowed she wanted to spile my argu-
ment, in the ornary way females have, so,
as I say, I treated them words with silent
contemp and went out to the barn. But
I spoze I may as well tell you how it
wuz, for if I don't she may tell it and
make it out Worse than it wuz. Conde-
lick Henzy come over here last night
after supper to borry my neck-yoke and
Dr. Meezik from Zoar, where he used to
live, went to see Condelick on bizness,
and his wife told him he wuz here so he
[ 153 ]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
;
IP. i
m
stopped here on his way home (I mistrust
Condelick owes him though he didn't
dun him before us).
They're both on 'em good natered easy-
goin' men, and love to talk and tell
stories. And I brung up a basin of good
sick-no-furder apples, and they set and et
apples and talked and talked. They both
on 'em love to brag about what they've
seen and hearn and naterally both on 'em
want to tell the biggest story about it.
Onfortinately Samantha wuz in the room
to work on a new insane bed-quilt. And
of course she has to find fault and crick-
etcise what they said and won't make
allowances for high sperits.
Sez Dr. Meezik, " When I wuz a young
man my folks lived on a farm that run
along one side on a creek. And one day
I wuz down on the creek lot hoein' corn
and a bear come down on the ice from the
big woods, and I rushed right out on the
ice and killed that bear with my hoe."
Sez Condelick, " That's nothin' to what
I did at about the same time. I lived on
that same creek though furder south ; it
[154]
Danger From Wimmen's Exaggeration
wuz dretful rich land. And I raised a
cabbage there that wuz so big I hol-
lered out the stem on't and made a boat
of it, and used it to ferry me acrost that
very stream of water."
" And it wuz jest about that time," sez
Dr. Meezik, " le'me see, it wuz on my
birthday about nine minutes past four
o'clock in the afternoon, or it may have
been nine and a half minutes past, I al-
ways want to be perfectly exact in my
statements, but we will let it go at nine
minutes.
" I wuz a great hunter in them days
and fearless as a lion as you may know
by my goin' out on the ice to meet that
bear who had come to eat green corn,
and killed him with my hoe handle.
" I had gone a little further north than
I had ever gone before, and I come out
to a big clearin' that I had never seen. I
should say it wuz half a degree north of
where we're settin' now, or it might have
been half a pint further, a man can't be
too exact and particular in telling such
things, for some folks if they wanted to
[155]
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
pick flaws and find fault might doubt
his statement. But I didn't have my
pocket compass with me and I wuz so
surprised at what I see there that I don't
know that I should thought to use it if
I had had it.
" I must say that as many strange things
as I've seen and heard I never wuz jo
surprised as I wuz at what I see there.
" Right there in that big clearin' there
wuz a perfect army of tinkers makiu' a
immense brass kettle. There wuz jest
one hundred of 'em, for I counted 'em
over twice so's to be sure of gittin' the
exact number. I am always so perfectly
reliable in my statements, and am bound
to git the smallest petickulars jest right.
I spoze I got the habit partly from
weighin' out my medicines so exact.
" And them tinkers wuz hammerin'
away for all they wuz worth on that
kettle, and you may judge of the size of
it when I tell you them workmen wuz so
fur apart they couldn't hear each other a
hammerin'."
Even Condelick Henzy wuz took back
[156]
Danger From Wimmen's Exaggeration
and browbeat and sez mekanically, " What
do you spoze they wuz goin' to do with
the kettle?"
"Well," sez Dr. Meezik, " they didn't
tell me, for I didn't want to act forward
and ask, but I always spozed they wuz
goin' to use it to bile your cabbage in."
Just at this epock of time Samantha
gathered up her insane piece work and
left the room. She didn't say nothin',
but I knowed by the looks of her line-
ment jest as well as I know now, that
she'd throw that kettle and that cabbage
in my face some time the most inconve-
nient for me, and you can see plain she's
done it and now I hope she's satisfied.
As I said I went out to the barn and
kinder fussed round cleanin' up some,
and I never see Samantha agin till
dinner time. I wuzn't afraid to gt^ in and
meet her and have her resoom her argu-
ment agin. No, I skorn the importation.
I belong to a fearless sect, aiid am almost
unacquainted with the word fear, though
I know there is such a word in the Dic-
tionary.
[157]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
No, I had considerable putterin' round
to do in the barn, and hen house, and so
I stayed out there till I beam the wel-
come sound of the dinner bell and smelt
even from the barn door the agreable
odors risin' from a first class dinner.
The smell and taste of the tender roast
lamb and lushious vegetables softened
my feelin's considerable, or would have
if it hadn't been for the look on Saman-
tha's face. It wuzn't a cross look nor a
mean one, would that it wuz, for I could
handle them looks better.
No, it wuz a kind of a superior look,
as if she had conquored me in the ar-
gument about exaggeration and prevari-
cation, and wuz gloatin' over the contrary
temps that had occurred in the settin'
room only the evenin' before, the little
incident that broke down my ezcelent
argument.
And of all the looks that mankind
ever read on a woman's linement, the
one a man can't stand is a superior look, a
look that says as plain as words, " I like
you and pity you, but I can't help
[158]
Danger From Wimmen's Exaggeration
lookin' down on you, Poor Thing!"
That look from a inferior sect always ag-
gravates a man so that he hain't skursly
answerable for what he sez and duz.
And air c^t. oubeknown to me I broke
forth in a ' iiphir.' a'-^'ument designed to
crush :j'^; ui'd f:b<» i^ that look on her
linen n •, to one ot hurr> ^eness becomin' to
a feiruMfc. Ce/. 1, " Ou sect has been the
mal.in' of jorrn, and it seems that when
a femule ccnciier^i nnu thinks on all that
men have '^re foi wimmen and are
willin' to uo ior em, they would have
some feelin's of gratitude towards 'em,
but they don't; they delight in argyin'
with 'em and tryin' to git the better on
'em."
Instead of my smart reasonable words
affectin' her favorably it seemed as if the
look I despised deepened on her linement ;
not a sign did I see of meach, nor a sign
of humble gratitude, and I ' iz so irritated
by it that I lanched rigi^t out in the
crushin' argument that I had on my
mind and that ort to bring female feathers
droopin' down in the very dust.
[159]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
HI!
r'
i*
i!::
Sez I, " Do you ever pause to think,
Samantha, of the inestimable boon wim-
men owe to men ? Why," sez I, " if it
hadn't been for a man, wimmen wouldn't
had no souls to-day."
"How do you make that out?" sez
Samantha, helpin' herself camly to some
more dressin'.
** Why, it is a matter of history that way
back in the centuries the preachers of
that time had a meetin' to settle the ques-
tion, and when they took a vote on't, the
majority on 'em stood out on the popular
side and cast their votes agin 'em, and
vowed and declared that females hadn't
no souls. And it wuz only by the vote
of one single solitary man that it wuz
carried in their favor and decided that
they had souls.
" And I should think females would be
so grateful to that noble man for what he
done for 'em, for his bein' willin' to admit
that they had souls, that they would
honor the hull sect to which he belonged,
and look up to 'em in humble and grateful
gratitude, and never try to argy with 'em
[i6o]
Danger From Wimmcn's Exaggeration
and aggravate 'em. For let me ask you,
Samautha," sez I, in a solemn azent,
" where would wimmen have been if that
man had held out and jined in with the
rest, and decided that wimmen hadn't
got any soul ? Where would they been
then, and where would they be to-day ? "
" Jest where they always wuz and are
now," sez Samantha camly helpin' her-
self to a apple dumplin'. " It seems that
it wuz men that started the question in
the first place, and I spoze that if wimmen
hadn't been so wore out and hampered
by her hard work of takin' care of men,
cookin', mendin', and cleanin' for 'em and
bringin' up their children, etc., they might
have had a jury of wimmen set on men
to find out if they had souls. But I don't
spoze they had a minute's time to spare
from their hard work no more than I
have, and I don't spoze it would make any
difference either way. The main thing
is whether men and wimmen have got
souls to-day, and use them souls for the
good of mankind, instead of lettin' 'em
grow hard, or wither away in indifference
Cx6i]
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
to the woes and wants of the world, and
the cause of Eternal Justice for every one,
male and female."
That is jest the way with wimmen,
they've got to talk and argy and try to
have the last word. You can't seem to
make 'em act meachin' and beholdin' to
men anyway you can work it, and it seems
to me I've tried every way there is from
first to last.
But I wouldn't argy no more, I felt
above it. I helped myself to my fourth
apple dumplin' with a look of silent con-
temp on my liuement, also I had the
same look when I poured the lemon sass
over it and took my third cup of coffee.
And my linement still showed to a
clost observer the marks of a tried though
hauty sperit, as I riz up from the table
and retired with a high step to my sacred
corner to resoom my literary efforts.
Sometimes pardners are real aggravatin'
to each other and a trial to be borne with.
And though I don't know what I'd do if
I should ever lose Samantha, it don't
seem as if I could ever eat another
[162]
Danger From Wimmcn's Exaggeration
womaD's vittles after livin' on the fat of
the land as you may say for forty years.
Yet there are times when you set
smartin' under wownds your pardner has
gin your sperit and from arguments she
no need to have brung up, and you see a
widow man a passin' by, you have feelin's
that can skursly be told on. You can
see by the looks of his face and hands
that he don't wash any oftener than he
wants to, and never combs his hair and
don't change his clothes till the Board of
Health gits after him. And you know
he never goes to meetin', and throws off
girl blinders boldly, and stays out nights
till as late as ten p. m. onquestioned and
onscolded. And don't have to clean his
shues when he goes in, and never curbs
his appetite, but eats like a hog and
enjoys himself.
Why, much as you love the dear
pardner of your bosom, and prize the
excelent food she cooks, and the clean
comfortable home she makes for you —
the air of freedom that seems to blow
from that widow man (kinder stale air too)
[ 163 ]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
yet it fans your clean head and clean
stiff shirt bosom like a breath from the
Isle of Freedom.
And so after Samantha had hurt my
feelin's and wownded my self respect by
remindin' me of the incident mentioned,
when if she had kep' still I should have
come off victorious in my argument, I
retired into the solitude of my corner in
the settin' room where Betsy Bobbett's
poetry lay heaped up in the dish-pan and
I read with feelin' that I couldn't skursly
describe the follerin' verses which I spoze
Betsy writ after her husband had
wownded her feelin's. And in readin'
it I dedicate it silently to my brother
men who have been aggravated by their
pardners.
LONGIN'S OF THE SOLE
By Belay Bobbett Slimjpsey
Oh Gimlet ! back again I float,
With broken wings, a weary bard ;
I cannot write as once I wrote,
I have to work so very hard ;
So hard my lot, so tossed about,
My muse is fairly tuckered out
[164]
Danger From Wimmen's Exaggeration
My muse aforesaid once hath flown,
Bat now her back is broke, and breast ;
And yet she fain would crumple down ;
On Gimlet's pages she would rest,
And sing plain words as there she's sot —
Haply they'll rhyme, and haply not
I spake plain words in former days,
Ko guile I showed, clear was my plan ;
My gole it matrimony was ;
My earthly aim it was a man.
I gained my man, I won my gole ;
Alas ! I feel not as I fole.
Yes, ringing through my maiden thought
This clear voice rose : *' Oh come up higher."
To speak plain truth with candor fraught,
To married be was my desire —
Kow, sweeter still this lot doth seem,
To be a widder is my theme.
For toil hath claimed me for her own,
In wedlock I have found no ease ;
I've cleaned and washed for neighbors round,
And took my i>ay in beans and pease ;
In boiling sap no rest I took.
Or husking com in bam and stook.
Or picking wool from houee to house.
White-washing, painting, i>apering,
In stretching carpets, boiling souse ;
E'en picking hops it hath a sting.
For spiders there assembled be.
Mosquitoes, bugs and etc
[165]
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m
!■■■)
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
I have to work oh ! very hard ;
Old Toil I know your breadth and length ;
I'm tired to death, and in one word,
I have to work beyend my strength.
And mortal men are very tongh
To get along with, nasty, rough.
Yes, tribulations doomed to her
Who weds a man, without no doubt.
In peace a man is singuler ;
His ways they are past findin' out.
And oh ! the wrath of mortal males —
To paint their ire, earth's language faila
And thirteen children in our home
Their buttons rent their clothes they burst,
Much bread and such did they consume ;
Of children they did seem the worst
And Simon and I do disagree ;
He's prone to sin oontinualee.
He horrors has, he oft doth kick.
He prances, yells — ^he will not work.
Sometimes I think he is too sick ;
Sometimes I think he tries to shirk ;
But 'tis hard for her in either case.
Who B. Bobbett was in happier days.
Happier t Away I such thoughts I spurn.
I count it true fh>m spring to fall,
'Tis better to be wed, and groan,
Than never to be wed at all.
I'd work my hands down to the bone
Bather than rest a maiden lone.
[166]
Danger From Wimmen's Exaggeration
This truth I cannot, will not shirk,
I feel it when I sorrow most :
I'd rather break my back with work,
And haggard look as any ghost, —
Bather than lonely vigils keep,
I'd wed and sigh and groan and weep.
Yes, I can say though tears fall quick
Gan say, while briny tear-drops start,
I'd rather wed a crooked stick,
Than never wed no stick at alL
Sooner than laughed at be, as of yore
I'd rather laugh myself no more.
I'd rather go half dad and starved,
And mops and dish-cloths madly wave
Than have the name, B. Bobbett, carved
On head-stun rising o'er my grave.
Proud thought ! now, when that stun is risen
'Twill bear two names — my name and hisen.
Methinks 'twould colder make the stun
If but one name, the name of she.
Should linger there alone— alone.
How different when the name of he
Does also deck the funeral urn ;
Two wedded names, his name and hurn.
And sweeter yet, oh blessed lot !
Oh state most dignified and blest !
To be a widder calmly sot.
And have both dignity and rest.
Oh Simon, strangely sweet 'twould be
To be a widder unto thee.
[•67]
If!
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
The warf)Eu« past, the horrors done,
With maiden's ease and pride of wife,
The dignity of wedded one,
The calm and peace of single life,—
Oh, strangely sweet this lot doth seem ;
A female widder is my theme.
I wonld not hart a hair of he,
Tet did he fh>m earth's toil escape,
I oonld most reconcile be,
Could sweetly moorn e'en without crape.
Could say without a pang of pain
That Simon's loss was Betsy'b gain.
I've told the plain tale of my woes.
With no deceit or language vain.
Have told whereon my hopes are rose,
Have sung my mournftil song of pain.
And now I e'en will end my tale,
Fve nmg my song, and wailed my wail.
[168]
THE MODERN WIMMBN CONDEMNED
THE Vice President of the Crea-
tion Searchin' Society of Jones-
ville WU2 here yesterday mornin',
and as soon as he'd gone through the usual
neighborly talk about the weather, the
hens, his wife, and the neighbors, etc., he
tipped back in his chair and pushed back
his hat a little furder on his head. He
never took off his hat in my sight ; 8a-
mantha atked me once " if I spozed he
took it off nights, or slep in it."
But I explained it to her as a kind
man is always willin' to do if a female
asks him properly for information.
Sez I, " I hearn him say once, Saman-
tha, that the way he got in the habit of
not takin' off his hat before wimmen wuz
to impress 'em with the fact of male su-
periority, and to let 'em know that he
wuzn't goin' to bow down before 'em and
[169]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
act meachin'. He wu i always a big feelin'
feller and after he got to be such a high
official in the C. S. 8. he naterally is
hautier actin'."
Well, almoflt to once he begun to Sa-
mantha about wimmen's voting runnin'
the idee down to the very lowest notch
it could go on the masculine stiHyards.
You see my forthcomin' great work agin
Wimmen Rights has excited the male
Jonesvillians dretfully, and emboldened
'em, till they act as fierce and bold as lions
when they're talkin' to females.
They realize that when that immortal
work is lanched onto the waitin' world
the cause of Woman's Sufifrage will col-
lapse like the bladders we used to blow
up in childhood, jest as sharp and sudden
and jest as windy. They know that them
that uphold such uroneous beliefs won't
be nothin' nor nobody then, and so they
begin beforehand to act more hauty and
uppish towards Suffragists, and browbeat
'em. And he poked fun at the cause
and slurred at it, and sneered at it till I
didn't know but Samantha would take
[170]
The Modern Wimmen Condemned
lumbago from bis remarks, but she didn't
seem to.
She had got her mornings work all did
up slick, her gingham apron hung up
behind the kitchen door, and she'd re-
soomed her white one trimmed with
tattin'. And she sot knittin' on a pair of
blue woosted socks for me, her linemen t
as smooth and onrumpled as her hair,
which wuz combed smooth round her
forward. And she kep' on with her
knittin', only once in a while she would
look up at him over her specs in the
queer way she has at times, but still kep'
lookin' cam, and sayin' nothin'.
And her camness and her silence seemed
to spur him on and make him bolder and
more aggressiver. He thought she wuz
afraid on him, but I knowed she wuzn't.
At last he flung out the remark to her
that if wimmen could vote it would be
the bad wimmen who would flock to the
poles; Samantha wuz jest turnin' the
heel in my sock and after she made the
turn she said that that wuzn't so, and
she brought up statisticks and throwed at
[171]
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Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
him (still a knittin' and seamin' two and
two) provin' that it is the educated con-
scientious wimmen who want to help the
good men of the country to make the laws
to try to make the world a safer place for
their children, a better, cleaner place for
every one, and she threw some statements
at him from States that had Woman's
Suffrage for years and years to prove her
insertion, but the statisticks, the figgers
and the proofs piled about him onheeded,
for he had got hot and excited by this
time and it seemed as if Samantha's very
camness madded him, and her knittin',
and her seamin' two and two, and her
countin' " one— two," to herself once in
a while.
And sez he agin in a overbearin' skair-
ful voice, intended to intimidate females,
" I tell you it is the had wimmen who
will rush to the poles, and I can prove
what I say." Sez he, " The meaner any-
body is the more and the oftener they
want to vote ; my father is one of the best
of men and you can't hardly git him to
stir his stumps 'lection day. And my
[172]
The Modern Wimmen Condemned
wife's father is the meanest man in the
country and he will vote from mornin'
till night for either party and sell his
vote where he can git the highest figger
— (he don't live happy with his wife, and
he went on) and so will her Uncle Josh
sell his vote to anybody for a glass of
whiskey, and most all the men on her
side will sell their vote and make money
by it. And I know more'n a dozen men
right round here who do the same thing.
I don't spoze you wimmen read much of
any, but if you did you'd see how com-
mon graft and fraud is in politics, all the
way from Jonesville to Washington. So
you see," sez he, " I can prove right out
what I said that it is the bad wimmen
who would vote."
Samantha counted " two and two " to
herself, and then said in a mild axent,
" Why would a bad woman's vote be
worse than a bad man's?" The Vice
President see in a minute into what a
deep hole his excitement and voylent de-
sire to prove his argument had led him,
and he acted sheepish as a sheep.
[173]
• i
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
I I
5 1
Bat anon he revived and ketched holt
of the first argument he could lay his
hand on, to prop up his side of the ques-
tion. It wuz a argument he had read
about, he didn't believe it himself, but
ketched at it in his hurry.
Sez he, " We expect more from wim-
men than we do from men ; they're nat-
erally better than men and we want to
keep 'em so, keep 'em out of the dirt of
public affairs."
Sez Samantha still a knittin' and still
a lookin' cam, "You must use clean
water to cleanse dirty things. I don't
believe as you do. I think the good qual-
ities of men and wimmen would hefb jest
about equal, and need equal treatment.
But accordin' to your tell if men are so
much worse than wimmen they need her
help to clean up things."
Agin the Vice President see where his
hasty talk and anxiety to prove his pint
had led him. He wiggled round in his
chair till I trembled for the legs on it,
for he wuz still leanin' back in it too fur
for safety. He kinder run his hand up
[174]
The Modern Wimmen Condemned
under his hat and scratched his head,
hut didn't seem to root any new idees out
of his hair, and he finally give up, settled
his hat back more firmly on his head
agin, let his chair down sudden and got
up and sez :
"I come over this mornin' to borry
Josiah^s sheep shears."
And after he went out with 'em I asked
Samantha, " What do you spoze the Vice
President wanted of sheep shears this time
of year ? " And she sez :
" He looked sheepish enough to use
'em on himself."
Well, it wuz gittin' along towards noon,
as I reminded Samantha, and she riz up
and put her knittin' work on the man-
telry piece, resoomed her gingham apron
and went out into the kitchen and soon
I hearn the welcome sounds so sweet to a
man's ear whether literary or profane,
that preperations wuz goin' on for a good
square meal.
And as I set there peaceful and happy
in my mind who should come in but my
dear and congenial friend, Uncle Sime
[175]
a
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
Bentley. He had been on a visit to
Illenoy. And after his first words of
greetin' and his anxious inquiries as to
how my great work wuz progressin' and
gittin' along, he went on and gin me the
petickulars about his journey.
He'd been on a visit to the city to see
his nephew, Bill Bentley. Bill is well off
and smart, and his father-in-law is rich
and sent his only child, Bill's wife, to
college; "jest like a fool," Uncle Sime
said. " For what duz a female want with
such a eddication." Sez he, " The three
R's, Readin', Ritin' and Rithmetic are
enough for her and would be for any
woman if they worked and tended to
things as my ma^ Bill's grandma did.
"Up at four every mornin' summer
and winter, milkin' five or six cows and
then gittin' breakfast for her big fambly,
hired men and all, and doin' every mite
of the housework, and spinnin', weavin',
makin' and mendin', and takin' sole care
of her eight children, in sickness and
health, and takin' care of her mother
who had been as big a worker and stay-
C176]
The Modern Wimmen Condemned
at-home as she wuz, and who wuz now
melancholy crazy in a little room done
ofif the woodshed.
" How ma did work," sez Uncle Sime
in a reminescin'axent, "stiddy at it from
mornin' till night, never stirrin' out of
the house from year to year. Oh I if she
could only have lived to set a sample for
Bill's wife, and instruct her in a wife's
duty.
"I told Bill so," sez Uncle Sime.
" And if you please," sez he, " Bill re-
sented it, and said, ketch him a killin'
his wife with work hard enough for four
wimmen, and not stirrin' out of the house
from year to year, he thought too much
of her; sez he, 'if I wanted a slave I'd
buy one and pay cash for her.'
"He didn't seem to appreciate ma's
doin's no more than nothin', though as I
told him. There wuz a woman whose
price wuz above rubies, so different from
the slack forward wimmen of to-day. So
retirin', so modest and womanly, willin'
to work her fingers to the bone and not
complain. Never puttin' forward her
[177]
i
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
opinion about anything, always lookin'
up to pa and knowin' he wuz always
right. And if she ever did seem curious
about anything outside her housework
and fembly, pa would shet her up and
bring her back to her duty pretty quick.
Yes indeed 1 pa wuz the head of the
house, and laid out to be. But Bill didn't
seem to have no gumption and self re-
spect at all, and wuz perfectly willin' to
be on equal terms with his wife. And
Bill told him she had a household allow-
ance and a private bank account. Pri-
vate bank account 1 I told Bill it wuz
enough to make his grandma rise from
her grave to see such bold onwomanly
doin's.
" And Bill said * it would be a good
thing for her to rise, if she could stay
up, for mebby she would take a little
comfort and rest her mind and her bones
a little, at this epock of time.* "
I sez, " I spoze, Simon, you didu't have
nothin' fit to eat there and everything
goin' to rack and ruin about the house."
" No," Uncle Sime said, " I nust own
[178]
The Modern Wimmcn Condemned
up that things run pretty smooth, and
Bill's wife sot a good table. They had a
stout woman who helped about the work
and takin' care of the children, leavin'
Bill's wife free to go round with Bill to
meetin's and clubs and a fishin' and
motor ridin', and picknickin' with him
and the kids."
" I spoze she wuz high headed and dis-
agreable," sez I.
" No," sez Uncle Sime, " she wuz al-
ways good natered and dressed pretty,
and why shouldn't she? " sez he bitterly,
" havin' her own way and runnin' things
to suit herself. And why shouldn't she
dress pretty ? Lanchin' out and buyin'
everything she wanted. Not curbed
down by Bill, nor askin' a man's advice
at all about her clothes or housen stuflfso
fur as I could see."
Sez I, " Mebby Bill didn't like it so
well as you thought, Simon ; mebby he
wuz chafin' inside on him."
"No, he wuzn't, he liked it, there's
one of the pints I'm comin' at, how these
modern wimmen will pull the wool over
[179]
I I
1 [•,-
Joriah Allen on the Woman Question
men's eyes, no matter how smart he is
naterally. They did seem to have good
times together, laughin' and talkin' to-
gether, settin' to the table a hour or so, a
visitin' away as if they hadn't seen each
other for a month. But merciful heav-
ens 1 the subjects they talked on and dis-
cussed overt It seemed that she knew
every crook and turn on subjects that
Bill's grandma never had hewrd on by
name. Hygeen, books. Street Cleanin*,
Hospital work, Charities, Political affairs
from pole to pole and Scientific sub-
jects—Radium, Electricity, Spiritualism,
Woman's Suffrage, which they both be-
lieved in. There seemed to be no end to
the subjects they talked about. So differ-
ent from pa and ma's talk. They eat
their meals in perfect and solemn silence
most all the time, ma always waitin' on
him. And if she did venter any remarks
to him they usually didn't fly no higher
than hen's eggs or neighborhood doin's.
Do you spoze that pa would stood it
bavin' a wife that acted as if she knew
as much as he did ? Not much.
[i8o]
The Modern Wimmen Condemned
"Bat Bill's wife wus right up to snuff
as well informed as Bill wuz, and Bill
didn't seem to know enough to be jealous
and mad about a wife actin' as if she wuz
on a equality with him. It made me
ashamed to think a male relation on my
own side should act so meachin'. And in
one thing she even went ahead of Bill,
owin' to the money men had spent on
her. 9he sung like a bird, and evenin's
Bill would lay back in his chair before
the open fireplace and listen to her singin'
and playin' them old songs and look at
her as if he worshipped her. He didn't
seem to want to stir out of the house
evenin's unless she went too, lost all his
ambition to go out and have a good man
time, seemed perfectly happy where he
wuz. And he used to be a great case to
be out nights and act like a man amongst
men.
"But," sez Uncle Sime, "I believe
that one of the things that galded me
most amongst all the galdin' things I see
and hearn there, wuz Bill's wife's in-
dependence in money matters. Economic
[i8i]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
Independence I That wuz one of her fool
idees. Oh, how often I thought of you,
Josiah, and wished you wuz there to put
down what I see and hearn in the beauti-
ful language you know so well how to
use."
My feelings wuz touched and I sez
solemnly, "Simon, I would loved to
been there, and if I couldn't help you
I could have sot and sympathized with
you."
Sez SimoL, " Never once durin' them
six weeks I wuz there did I see her ask
Bill for a cent, and how well I remember,"
sez Simon, " when if ma wanted the money
for a pair of shues, or a gingham dress for
herself, how she would have to coax pa
and git him extra vittles and pompey
him and beg for the money in such a
womanly and becomin' way. And some-
times pa wuz real short with her and
would deny her. Not but what he meant
to git 'em in the end, for he wuz a noble
man. But he held off, wantin' her to
realize he wuz the head of the fambly,
and to be looked up to."
[182]
The Modern Wimmen Condemned
Sez Simon, " Ma would have to manage
every way for days and days to git them
shues and that dress and when he did git
any clothes for her pa picked 'em out
himself, for ma had been brought up to
think his taste wuz better*n hern."
Sez I, " Probable it wuz better, probable
he got things that wore like iron."
" Yes, he did," sez Simon, " he did.
He rever cared so much for looks as he
did the solid wear of anything." And for
a few minutes Uncle Sime seumed lost in
a silent contemplation of his pa's on-
common good qualities, and then he re-
soomed agin. "The news come right
whilst I wuz there, about the leven hun-
dred saloons closed durin' the few months
since wimmen voted in that state. And
Bill never resented it and even jined in
with the idee that it wuz owin' to wim-
men's votes largely that that and the
other big temperance victories of late wuz
accomplished. He didn't seem to have
no more self respect than a snipe. And
if you'll believe it, Josiah, Bill's wife
made a public speech right whilst I wuz
[ 183 ]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
there, sunthin* about school matters she
thought wuz wrong and ort to be set
right."
"How did Bill like that, Simon?"
sez I. " I guess that kinder opened his
eyes."
'' Like it 1 " sez Uncle Sime in a indig-
nant axent. " Why, instead of actin'
ashamed and resentin' it as a man of
sperit would, he went with her and made
a speech too, and they carried the day
and beat the side they said wuz usin' the
school to make money. And I hearn 'em
with my own ears comin' in at ten p. m.
laughin' and jokin' together like two
kids. Makin' a speech before men 1 Oh,
what would Bill's great-grandma thought
on't? She'd say she had reason for her
melancholy madness, and his grandma
would say she wuz glad she wuz dead."
" Most probable that is so, Simon," sez
I, sympathizin' with him. " As I've in-
timidated to you before, Simon, time and
agin, this is a turrible epock of time us
male men are a passin' through, jest like
a see-saw gone crazy, wimmen up and
[184]
l-i
The Modern Wimmen Condemned
stayin' up, and men down and held down.
But wait till my great work agin Female
SuflTrage is lanched onto the world and
then see what will happen, and jest as
soon as I git a little ahead with my out-
door work I'm a goin' to lanch it. Then
will come the upheaval and the crash,
follered by peace and happiness. Men
will resoom their heaven-born station as
rulers and protectors of the weaker sect,
and females will sink down agin into
hern, lookin' up to man as their nateral
gardeens and masters."
" Ma knowed it in her day and prac-
ticed it," sez Simon. " And pa knowed
it and acted his part nobly. Ma wuz so
retirin' and so womanly. Why, if once
in a great while she took it in her head
to ask about such things as Bill's wife
boldly lectured about, do you spoze she'd
go before any strange man to talk out
about it ? No, she would always ask pa to
explain it to her. And I remember well
how kinder wishful and wonderin' her
eyes looked and yet timid and becomin'.
And pa actin' his part in life as a man of
[185]
Josiah Allen on the Woman Question
sperit should, would most always tell her
to tend to her housework and let men
run them things. But if he did feel good
natered and explain 'em to her she took
his word for law and gospel and acted
meek and grateful to him.
" Yes, pa wuz to the head of his house
and kep' females down where they be-
longed, and her actions wuz a pattern for
wimmen to foUer. And it wuz such a
pity and a wonder that she had to die so
early, only thirty years old when the
Lord took her before her virtues wuz
known to the world at large.
" I remember well the night she passed
away," sez Simon, in a softer remines-
cener azent.
" She wanted her bed drawed up to the
open winder. And she lay lookin' up to
the full moon and stars a shinin' in the
great clear sky. She looked up and up
and kinder smiled and sez in a sort of a
wishful, wonderin' axents :
•"Oh, how big I And how free I'
" And I always spozed she meant sun-
thin' about how big pa wuz, and how free
[i86]
The Modern Wimmen Condemned
to understand things she didn't, and
hadn't ort to."
Sez I, "I hain't a douht, Simon, but
that wuz what she meant, not a doubt
on't I "
raiNTBO IN TRB UMITBO STATES OP AMBBICA
[187]
ncnoN
TkfMasttrtftitOtM*
CAROUNE ABBOT STANLEY
The Keeper of the Vineyard
A Tale of the Ozarks. Illustrated, |i^5 net
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The Lady Elect
A Chinese Romance Illustrated by Chinese art-
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of the highest authorities on "Things Chinese" pronounce
« '•jflSfy • 'emarkable combination of the rarest and most
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Bradford Horton: Han
A Novel. i2mo, doth, net $1.25.
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Samantha on the Woman Question
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I>oc Williams
A Tale of the Middle West. Illustrated, net $1.25.
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FICTION. JUVENILE
KBNRT OTIS DmCHT
A Muslim Sir Galahad
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I>oc Williams
A Tale of the Middle West lamo, doth, net $1.25.
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The Toich Bearer
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SOCIOLOGY AND PRACTICAL REUGION
PROF. GIOVANNI LUZZI^ fl.D.
The Struggrle for Christian Trutii in Italy
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